Setting Boundaries with Family Members

Sometimes when folks are struggling with relationships with their family members they have a difficult time setting boundaries. You cannot control other people, you can only control yourself, but you can request that others be considerate of your feelings.

Here are some important key point to consider when setting boundaries with Family Members:

• Decide when you want to visit
• Decide how much time you want to spend with them
• Decide on the frequency of your calls/messages
• Decide whether you want to stay with them vs stay at a hotel or have them stay at a hotel
• Be clear about your expectations
• Be clear about house rule or expectations with how your kids or pets or others are to be treated, prioritizing peace and protection over control
• Be prepared to leave/end the communication if a boundary you set is crossed.
• Refuse to engage in dialogue over things that cross your emotional boundaries and stick to the boundary you set
• Be mindful of people pleasing and fear of letting others down or losing their love and how that limits you from setting appropriate limits
• Use the broken record technique of repeating the limits you are setting without explaining or apologizing
• Set Consistent Consequences

Remember- A boundary without a follow-through becomes a wish, not a boundary.
Examples:
• If they continue yelling → “I’m going to step away now.”
• If they push for personal details → “I’m not discussing that. Let’s change the subject.”

Consistency teaches people how to treat you.

Focus on What You Can Control
You can’t control:
•Their reactions
•Their opinions
•Whether they change

You can control:
•Your boundaries
•Your emotional energy
•Your responses
•How much access they have to you

If you are struggling with setting boundaries with someone in your life, consider working with a therapist to help you develop your skills. We have multiple therapists at Healing Reflections Therapy available to meet your needs.

Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT
Therapist & Co-Owner of Healing Reflections Therapy

Here at Healing Reflections Therapy, as we continue to celebrate Pride Month and reflect on the current political climate in our state, nation, and world, we continue to be certain that services from specialized clinicians provided to LGBTQ+ clients continue to be just as if not more necessary and relevant than they were in the past.  The statement, “Pride was a riot,” is meant to highlight the fact that the community resistance at the Stonewall Tavern that gave rise to the first Pride events and parades was initiated and encouraged by a brick rumored to have been thrown by a trans woman and by the specific trans women: Stormé DeLarverie, Marsha Johnson, and Sylvia Rivera.  The significance of this being two fold, that, although many may assume that only gay men were involved in the events of Stonewall, the entire community was both targeted for oppression in public spaces and showed out to face down police brutality and aggression and also that Pride is not only about celebrating, dressing up, consuming alcohol, but also has a deep historical significance. 
​
Pride was a riot because at the time, members of the LGBTQ+ community did not have body autonomy or control over their own treatment and healthcare.  Queer and trans identities were marginalized to such an extent that no one could be out and get proper checkups, STD testing, gender-affirming medical care  At the beginning of the AIDS crisis, people were forced to take poisonous meds and obtain them through creative and non medically-sanctioned means.  As we know, although strides have been made such as one pill/day HIV meds and hormone replacement therapy (HRT)being readily available on an informed consent basis, there are now constant attacks on Ryan White HIV federal funding and gender affirming care for both minors and adults with state coverage or VA benefits.  There have been multiple attempts to ban trans soldiers from serving in the military and take their retirements.

Pride was a riot because gatherings of LGBTQ+ folx were criminalized and romantic relationships were not broadly seen as legitimate.  Stonewall happened in part because it was illegal for gay and trans people to be drinking at a bar together as well as it being illegal for any sexual activity to happen between anyone and the police response mirrored those prohibitions.  How do you connect if you cannot build community?  How do you feel safe when there is nowhere at home or in public that you can be yourself and not be arrested.  Obergefell Hodges went through in 2015, so gay marriage has only been legal for 11 years.  As with all other LGBTQ+ rights, there have already been multiple attempts to take Obergefell to the Supreme Court and have it overturned.  This in addition to dozens of anti-LGBTQ+ bills being debated and sometimes passed into law in many states in their country in the past 2 years.  Murders of Trans people continue to be so prolific that they are actively tracked and memorialized on Trans Day of Remembrance.  

Pride was a riot because the Queer and Trans community was being treated as less than human.  One need look no further than the plethora of bathroom bills meant to strip Trans people of the dignity to use public facilities and anecdotal examples of strangers policing the genders of others in the restroom with them and making demands to see that it is not safe to be Trans and use the bathroom or even to be someone that anyone things looks different than their assigned sex and corresponding gender role.  Policies criminalizing gender affirming care for minors in some states have caused youth and their parents to lose care, have to move to other states, have side effects and poor outcomes from going off of needed medications.  Trans adults we see worry that they will need to stockpile their hormones in order to continue to be on HRT once all gender affirming care could conceivable be banned.

In some ways, now more than ever, being Queer or Trans means having a target on your back and being unsafe in public, private, even in previously thought of safe spaces.  It is almost worse that some headway had been made, rights were conferred and and are now under attack in a manner worse than ever before.  As LGBT!+ affirming therapists, we know not just the terminology, relationship structures, and social norms that exist in our clents’ lives, we also realize that they currently fear for their lives, relationships, healthcare and employment.  That is why it is more important than ever to stand in solidarity with them and provide one of the only safe holding environments they may currently have in our office and virtually.  We see you, we value you, the world is so much better and brighter with you in it!  We are blessed to hear about your stories, strengths, and resilience every day.  There is nothing else we would rather do.

Author: Chris Scarberry, LPC
Chris is a Therapist accepting clients at Healing Reflections Therapy

Summer is a great time for social events like Pride and Juneteenth festivals, 4th of July celebrations, family BBQs and reunions, weddings, concerts, and camping trips. But for those with social anxiety, PTSD, and agoraphobia, these events can be the source of worry, stress, dread, shame, guilt, and relationship conflict.

I often have clients lamenting that they want a more enriched life beyond their bed or home, but don’t know how to strike a balance with their fear and nervous system dysregulation.  They realize that they are missing out on potentially beneficial experiences but are unsure how to best cope with their social anxiety and challenge themselves.

One thing that surprises people who have lifelong struggles with anxiety is that it is one of the mental health areas that is highly amenable to treatment when given the right combination of resources and approaches. Does that mean a type A person can become a type B person, probably not, but for those whose lives feel unmanageable, science has proven that collaborative therapy along with the appropriate medications can make a substantial difference in someone's baseline anxiety levels.

The bad news is that in order for things to get better, you usually have to get a little bit uncomfortable first; usually through a series of small dose exposures to the situation that causes anxiety and pairing it with relaxation strategies to regulate the nervous system.

So what does that mean for managing these big summer events? What can you do to make things better?

• Start in small doses. Make steps toward change one small step at a time. Start practicing with going to smaller event, one you are more familiar with, or closer to home. Plan to be there for a shorter duration of time than the entire event.
• Make a plan. Before you go, think about your strategy for how you will handle it if your anxiety starts to flare. Talk with the people in your party beforehand about it. Take your own form of transportation so you do not have to rely on someone else if you need to leave or need a quiet place to retreat.  Consider taking breaks if applicable.
• Research the venue. Give yourself an added sense of control by getting a picture of the space and region.  Understand the layout and exits and bathrooms from the start. Also look for quiet hideaway spaces or places with grass or calming scenery.
• Give yourself permission to leave early. This is a tricky one. When tackling anxiety, making an appearance is better than nothing at all. It is ok to leave an event early. However, be mindful that leaving an area that is the source of anxiety if you are having a panic attack tends to reinforce leaving and avoidance- it is essentially giving a lollypop to the screaming toddler in the checkout lane, only increasing that same likelihood of future unwanted behavior. Ideally, it is best to use your coping skills and wait until the panic attack has reached its peak (usually within 5-15 minutes) and has started to come back down before leaving the situation.  Knowing you are only planning on staying at an event for 30 minutes from the get-go can make a difficult situation more tolerable.
  
  If you want to avoid hurting others feelings, it is often best to let them know your intentions to only stay a brief time or that you might choose to leave if your anxiety level is higher than you can manage. For family events, hopefully you know and trust them enough to disclose to them that you are working on overcoming your anxiety concerns and they will not take your early departure personally. 
  
  When it comes to leaving early, it is probably not advisable to go with someone to see their favorite artist or commit to a week at Burningman and want to leave early without causing hurt feelings. So be mindful of which situations you decide to try to expand your window of tolerance on.
• Identify safe people to attend with who understand your concerns and are willing to support you. Having a supportive person or pet with you can go a long way in building your security as you practice your skills. A great accountability partner can be there to remind you of your skills and help coach you or be a great distraction when needed. Remember, secrecy and shame often go together. Your willingness to be open about your struggles can create an opportunity for real, meaningful connection. People are often much more judgmental when they do not understand something and are more likely to take others' actions personally.  Openness can change defensiveness.
• Practice positive coping skills. If you don't already know them, look into some deep breathing techniques like box breathing, practice progressive muscle relaxation, use grounding skills related to your senses and things you see, hear, taste, touch, and smell in your environment. Have a relaxation playlist at the ready.
• Bring a relaxation tool kit. Pack a bag with things that you can use to help you feel better- some tea, ice water, an altoid to help you ground, a frozen lemon to squeeze and use your 5 senses, a stress ball, your favorite worry stone or crystal, a ring of your coping skills cards, some noise canceling headphones, some snacks to help regulate your body, something with your favorite smell on it, pictures of your favorite things on your phone, have a meditation app saved on your phone, and/or bring a blanket to lay down on.
• Know your limits.  Don't push yourself too far or too fast or you will likely worsen the anxiety and become flooded. The goal is mastery one step at a time. 
• Sit/park on the periphery. Some events and venues can seem overwhelming with the crowds, but a lot of time you can wait to come in later or park and walk from far away to give yourself more space. Many times there are far away spaces away from the crowds that allow you to be there and enjoy it but from further distance. Your car can always be a place that you come back to to take breaks intermittently.
• Practice Visualization exercises. Prior to the event, visualize yourself walking through each step of the process, imagine how you would react to challenges and see yourself mastering them while practicing relaxation strategies to calm yourself.​
• Take breaks. You don't have to always leave, you can also give yourself permission to take breaks by going to the car, a bathroom, your tent, a quiet room, standing outside a venue. You can do this multiple times an hour if you need to and still be part of the festivities, but also allow yourself room to calm your nervous system.

Anxiety can be crippling, but there is hope and you don't have to go though this process alone. If you are wanting to work with a counselor on social anxiety, PTSD, or agoraphobia reach our to one of our therapists today at Healing Reflections Therapy.

Authors: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT, Chris Scarberry, MA, LPC
Megan is a Therapist at Healing Reflections Therapy

I’m willing to bet that, at some point, someone has suggested that you try journaling as a coping skill. I know I’ve recommended it to nearly every client I’ve had at some point, and I often get a disappointed look and a series of reasons why they don’t or don’t want to.
Maybe some of these sound like you:
“I tried journaling, but I couldn’t keep up with it.”
“There is too much to write, and I get overwhelmed.”
“I’m not Anne Frank, I don’t have anything interesting to write about, so what is the point?”
“I don’t want anyone to find my journal and read what I write.”
“How is writing down what I ate for lunch and how boring my meetings were going to help me?”
Good news! You don’t have to be Anne Frank to journal, and that is not all that journaling is!

There Are No Rules

• You do NOT have to write in your journal daily.
• You don’t have to include any details about your day.
• You don’t have to catch your journal up after not writing in it for 18 months.
• You don’t have to write in a way that makes sense to anyone but you.
• You don’t have to write your deepest, darkest secrets to benefit from journaling.
• You don’t need the perfect notebooks, pens, highlighters, or stencils to journal. Any writing surface or digital writing platform will work just fine, depending on your intentions.
• There is no need to have profound, unique insights in your journal. What you write is just for you.
• You don’t have to have complete sentences, proper grammar, spelling, or formatting.  
• Your handwriting doesn’t even have to be legible. You can scribble, write with your non-dominant hand, or write on the same line over and over again so that words can no longer be recognized.
• You can journal in images, sketches, bullet points, single words, or scribbles.
• You can choose whether to share it or not with someone you trust.
• You can lock it away and never look at it again.
• You can destroy the page when you’re done with it, or destroy it in the process of writing.

Reflection
What rules have you put on journaling? Are they holding you back from a potentially helpful coping skill or therapeutic tool?

Potentially therapeutic journal techniques include but are not limited to: gratitude journaling, writing about what went well in your day, “thorns and roses,” venting, reflections on your day, insights from your therapy session, notes for things you want to talk about in sessions, processing and exploring a difficult experience or emotion, writing a trauma narrative, stream of consciousness, mood and emotion tracking, art or collage journaling, photo journaling, autobiographical writing, composing a letter to someone you’ll never send, or writing from a prompt.

Reevaluate your relationship with journaling and give it another shot. It is one of many ways that can further our therapeutic skills and keep us focused on our goals between sessions. Find what works for you!

Author: McKayla Kagie Robinson, MS, PLMFT
McKayla is a Therapist at Healing Reflections Therapist. Contact her to set up an appointment.

With the days getting longer and the sun rising earlier, now is a great time to evaluate your sleep hygiene. If you’re struggling to get a good nights rest the some of these tips might be for you!

Get up at the same time EVERY morning, regardless of how much sleep you got the night before. Use an alarm clock. A regular wake-up time will help set your biological clock. If you feel you must sleep in on weekends or holidays, allow yourself up to 1 extra hour.

Restrict your time in bed. Only go to bed when you are drowsy. Get up if you are not feeling close to sleep within 20 minutes. Likewise, when you wake up in the morning, get up. Do not lie awake in bed. You want to consolidate and deepen your sleep by sleeping only as much as you need and not spending too much time awake in bed.

You cannot make yourself fall asleep. If you are in bed 20 minutes and you are still not close to falling asleep, get out of bed, go to another room, engage in a quiet activity (read, listen to music or a podcast, watch a soothing TV show, watch or listen to ASMR) until you feel drowsy, and then return to bed. Do not fall asleep on the couch or in your recliner, but rather return to bed when you feel drowsy. You want to make your bed the place or cue for sleep (not the couch or recliner). You may need to repeat this step more than once throughout the night.

Quiet activities and soothing audio can help your body and brain get ready for sleep. You can try a guided meditation on the Calm app or a music streaming app. On Spotify, check out Sleep Cove or Caverncast podcasts for soothing voices. Look up Restful Rambles or ATMOSPHERE for ASMR on tiktok or youtube. You can also find white noise on most platforms or buy a noise machine.

Use the bed only for sleep and sex. Do not read, watch TV, eat, scroll social media, play video games, worry, talk on the phone, or plan your day in bed. You want to establish the bed as a cue for sleep and not as a cue for other activities that are incompatible with sleep.

Establish a pre-sleep ritual. Schedule some "down" time right before bed. This is not the time to check your email or have that heart-to-heart talk with your partner. Those things need to be done earlier. Schedule time early in the evening for working on problems or planning the next day's "to-do" list. Right before bedtime is the time to relax, calm down, and let your body and mind slow down before hitting the bed. Set up a regular routine before bed: brush teeth, put the dog out, lock the doors, set the alarm, etc.

Do not nap during the day. Sleeping during the day disrupts sleep at night. If you must nap, try to keep naps to less than one hour and finish them by 3 p.m.

Exercise regularly: For insomniacs, the best time to exercise is in the late afternoon or early evening, but not within 3 hours of bedtime. Exercise helps deepen sleep and reduce stress.

Food and Fluids: Do not go to bed hungry; however, avoid a heavy meal before bed. Finish eating your evening meal at least 3 hours before bedtime. Do not snack in the middle of the night, or you may encourage nightly awakenings for food. Decreasing liquids close to bedtime will minimize nighttime bathroom trips.

Caffeine has a half-life of 3-7 hours and interferes with everyone's sleep, even those who deny it. Discontinue caffeine 4-6 hours before bedtime. This includes iced tea, colas, Dr. Pepper, Excedrin, chocolate, Sudafed, and all sorts of other things you never suspected. Read the label.

Alcohol or cannabis near bedtime may help you sleep in the first part of the night, but causes multiple awakenings later in the night and shortens sleep overall. Try to avoid alcohol 2 hours before bedtime.

Nicotine is a stimulant, even though smokers claim it helps them relax. If you must smoke, reduce the rate of smoking before bedtime and do not smoke if you wake up in the middle of the night.

Noise: Insomniacs are usually hypervigilant and thus are more sensitive to noise. Consider earplugs or a white noise machine (or even a bathroom exhaust fan) to block out noises

Temperature in the bedroom: 75° is too hot and increases awakenings; 54° is too cold and can cause bad dreams. Insomniacs often report being hotter than good sleepers. Find a bedroom temperature that works for you. Most people prefer 60°- 68°.

​Comfort: Make sure your bed is comfortable, and you have the right amount of light/darkness in the bedroom that works for you.

Clock Watching: You will either sleep or you won't, and watching the clock does not facilitate sleep. In fact, clock watching usually just causes anger or anxiety, neither of which helps with sleep. Try not to look at the clock if you can't sleep.

Exposure to bright light in the morning will help if you have sleep onset insomnia. Sitting in front of a southern exposure window (without sunglasses) for at least 30 minutes every morning should help decrease your time to fall asleep at night. Try this for 5-7 mornings.

Using cell phones and other devices can contribute to insomnia by reducing the production of melatonin (due to the blue light) and increasing mental stimulation. Stop using your phone at least 30 minutes before getting into bed and put it into do-not-disturb mode. Consider using a classic alarm clock rather than your phone to wake up in the morning if the distraction is too tempting.

Natural sleep aids include melatonin, herbal/sleepy time tea, camomile tea, and valerian root. Some use benzodiazepines (benzos) and THC to induce sleep, but those are habit-forming and can create a dependency. Benzos are not meant for daily use, are highly addictive, and should only be used as prescribed.
Prescription meds may be helpful in some cases. Individuals with PTSD can talk to their doctor about trying Trazodone.

Sleep tight and may you find good rest tonight!


Modernized & Adapted by McKayla Robinson from "Instructions for Better Sleep" by Bertelson Washington University Sleep Center, March 2005

McKayla Kagie Robinson, MS, PLMFT is a therapist at Healing Reflections Therapy, currently accepting clients to help you if you are struggling to manage your sleep challenges.

Our day-to-day lives are chaotic and filled with distressing news, world events, and other causes for stress that we have no control over. Meditation practice has long been established as a path towards mental, emotional, and physical healing. The mind-body connection is one that is often neglected.

You may have tried meditation before and decided it is not for you for one of the following reasons:

• “I can’t make my mind quiet/blank.”
• “I can’t sit still for that long/I don’t have the time.”
• “I try, but I just get frustrated that I’m not doing it right/well enough.”

Meditation has a lot of misconceptions tied to it, and a lot of the concerns people have when trying meditation revolve around those misconceptions and set them up for feeling like failures. The goal of meditation does not have to be to reach the point where you can meditate for hours, with no thoughts, and full control over your mind and body to the point where you can levitate off the ground. We’ll save those aspirations for the Monks.


The goal of therapeutic meditation is simply to practice. Practice checking in with your body, emotions, and thoughts. Practice slowing down enough to be able to communicate with your body, recognize your emotions, hear out your thoughts, and spend some time addressing the concerns brought to your attention. We are not looking for a blank slate- we are looking for what we have been ignoring or neglecting.


Another great benefit to practicing meditation is learning how to engage or disengage with your anxious thoughts. The meditation linked below is called a “Leaves on a Stream” meditation. The idea is to practice observing your thoughts, especially the anxious ones, as they come up, acknowledge them, and then let them continue flowing downstream without attaching any judgment or action to them.


I encourage you to try it out! It is less than 10 minutes long and is something you can do from anywhere during your day. Now, it will not be something that you are automatically good at, and it may go differently each time you practice it, depending on your headspace when you start. However, the only objective here is to try. Try it, practice it, and keep practicing it. If you do that, you have succeeded! You will have connected with your mind and body even for just 6 minutes, and that is 6 more minutes of connection that you would otherwise have.


Despite my encouragement, you may not believe that meditation can make a difference, but I dare you to try it and be curious about what effects it can have."

Author: McKayla Kagie Robinson, MS, PLMFT
McKayla is a Therapist at Healing Reflections Therapy. She is currently accepting clients.
​

A decade has past since my original post-#metoo era article on when rapists don't believe they are rapists. In 2026, just in time for sexual assault awareness month we are once again confronted with headlines that force us to face the same uncomfortable truth.

From the ongoing Epstein sex trafficking investigation (or lacktherof), to the recent sexual assault allegations about Representative Eric Swalwell, Russell Brand's rape trial, and Katy Perry being met with a flurry of Sexual assault allegations after Ruby Rose began speaking out about an encounter decades earlier. All of course, denying the allegations. The major headline this month being the bombshell CNN news investigative report that revealed that 62 million visitors in a single month viewed a website dubbed a "rape academy" where men exchanged tips on how to drug and rape their wives, and even exchanged video content of their crimes. The scale is staggering. People have been rightly horrified at the implications and scale. Women are being forced to question whether they really know and trust their partners.

Alongside this, a recently published 2026 study by O'Sullivan and Ronis titled "Isolate, inebriate, intimidate, Repeat: High Rates of Sexual Force Against Women are Reported when Young Men Given Anonymous Surveys." The study of 2,689 US and Canadian men aged 18-34 reported recently using at least one strategy to "force a woman to have sex" i.e. rape them. They reported an average of about 9 strategies being used, mostly being versal coercion or using their peers to manipulate the women. In 8% of the cases, the men explicitly reported drugging women for sex  (i.e. drug-facilitated sexual assault) on one or multiple occasions.

People have been rightly outraged and ask: How is this possible?

Many women indicate they are not shocked.
As a sexual trauma therapist, the answer is not abstract. These stories echo of painfully familiar stories I have heard from clients before. And they Point to a deeply unsettling reality:
Many Perpetrators do not believe they are perpetrators.

Once again, the talk about why women choose the bear re-enters that chat. 

The Problem isn't just Violence-It's Perception
When I was working on my thesis almost 2 decades ago comparing the sequelae of adult vs child onset of child sexual abuse I came across similar findings about sexual coercion. Our original survey packet administered to study participants included several different measures on sexual abuse, and one survey that assessed sexual coercion. Ultimately, we excluded the data from that survey after finding that 100% of the both male and female participants in the study reported experiencing sexual coercion. At the time, we suspected the instrument lack validity, seemingly not being sensitive enough to measure what we were intending it to measure.

Now, I believe the opposite was true: Our systems were not prepared to face how widespread the problem actually is.

Sexual coercion exists in direct opposition to enthusiastic consent, and it has criminal consequences. But when it is normalized, minimized, joked about, or reframed, it stops being recognized for what it is. 

The Mental Gymnastics of "Good People"
With these new headlines, people are enraged at the numbers. How could this many men be visiting these sites? How could husbands do this to their wives? How could so many people willingly talk about sexually assaulting their partner? The truth is, many men do not know they are rapists. They see themselves as a good person, and good people do not rape, therefore what they are doing cannot be rape. That is when the mental gymnastics start.

Pioneering research by Mary Koss demonstrating the mental gymnastic people do, finding that when you ask people about their abuser/abuser experiences without labeling them "Rape" or  "abuse", and just using the definitions that make them abuse, people are much more likely to endorse engaging in or having experienced those abuses....

So, now I am going to provide an update to my original article and once again address this theme- what if my rapist does not know he is a rapist.

"It has been almost a month since #MeToo flooded social media. Since then, almost a daily parade of new sexual harassment, abuse, or assault allegations are being brought to light about accused perpetrators like Harvey Weinstein, James Toback, Charlie Sheen, Louis C.K., Ed Westwick, Roy Moore, and Kevin Spacey. The responses by the accused have varied from silence, to deflection, to admission, to outright denial.

What Survivors Experience
Some statements have puzzled people, wondering how could they not know what they were doing was wrong or would upset someone else? Sadly, this relates to a concept frequently found in my therapy practice, in which many victims are astounded when they realize that their rapist doesn't know he is a rapist. After the assault the perpetrator may act casual, inviting them for breakfast, acting affectionate, kiss them, or invite them on another date. They behave as though what had occurred was completely consensual despite the fact that moments or hours before they were holding the victim down, whispering threats in the victim's ear, ignoring the victim's cries of pain or profound lack of interest or engagement, or ignored the fact the victim was intoxicated, passed out, or vomiting and while they pursued sex. The husband that secretly drugs and rapes his wife for years may tell himself that this is his right as a husband. The abusive family member may appear at holiday events and initiate hugs and pretend like nothing ever happened. They may be the charismatic, smiling life of the party. Even worse, family members often rally to protect the accused perpetrator. 
 
Sometimes the victim will run into the perpetrator months or years later and be astounded at how "normal" they act. They may approach them like friendly, long lost friends seeking to engage in polite conversation. They may reach out to the victim over social media with casual "hellos" and "how have you beens?" The victims may react in paralysis, fear, or rage and are additionally astounded when they see the look of confusion reflected in their perpetrator's face.

The victim/survivor comes into my office begging the question: Is it possible that my rapist does not know he raped me? Sadly, in some instances, the answer may be yes. For those that lack empathy, awareness of others boundaries or feelings may not exist. The default is: if this benefits me, my actions are ok. Lack of empathy can be the bi-product of someone in a status of power or privilege, "Just boys being boys," "locker room talk," or "old school." For other sexual violence perpetrators, they may have a sense, if not clearly know what they did was wrong, but use elements of denial, minimization, deflecting blame, or manipulation to escape any form of personal accountability to seep into their conscious awareness.

Power, Privilege and Normalization
Is it possible that some of these celebrities really did not know that what they were doing was wrong? Well, since they kept the secret and did not exhibit those behaviors in public, then probably on some level they did know. I would argue that they probably were in a position that did not serve them well to think it was wrong.  "He/she really wants this," "They deserve this," "I deserve this," "They like how it feels," "Everybody does it" are all arguments used to justify sexual violence.

Think of it this way: if you were about to step on an ant and crush it, you would probably tell yourself that have good reason to do so, that it won't matter, that they cannot feel anything, that you are really being helpful...but you can do this because essentially you see the ant as significantly less powerful and less important than yourself. By contrast, if you think about killing a shark you may still justify the kill, but you will still probably worry about the consequences to yourself because the shark is inherently more powerful.

Power, control, status, privilege, and lack of empathy play important roles in supporting rape culture. When we are so inundated in rape culture, like a lobster in pot slowly brought to a boil, we may not even realize we are in danger of becoming the next meal because the environment around us was already so unhealthy in the first place."

So what can we do about it?
I challenge men to embody the coveted protector role and to challenge other men. It is your job to start calling out the bad behavior of your peers instead of silently standing by or bearing witness in what translates into tacit complicity. Report website like the rape academy. Stand up to your friend that it trying to hit on the drunk girl at the club. Call out when you hear adults making sexual comments about teenagers.  Don't laugh at the "locker room talk", make the other person visibly uncomfortable by having them repeat it until it loses its power. It may not be all men, but most violent crimes are committed by men, and all men have a responsibility to do better. 

References

https://www.hopehealreflect.com/mental-health-articles/when-rapists-dont-know-they-are-rapists

O'Sullivan & Ronis (2026)
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/08862605261432630#tab-contributors

https://www.cnn.com/interactive/2026/03/world/expose-rape-assault-online-vis-intl/index.html

Conley & Garza (2011). https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1559-1816.2011.00828.x

Koss M. P., Gidycz C. A., Wisniewski N. (1987). The scope of rape: Incidence and prevalence of sexual aggression and victimization in a national sample of higher education students. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 55(2), 162–170. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.55.2.162


Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT
Sexual Trauma Specialist and Co-Owner at Healing Reflections Therapy

April is Sexual Assault awareness month. We are seemingly inundated with news about sexual violence in the headlines lately. So, let's talk about some resources that many people don't know about for seeking help with domestic or sexual violence. These resources are primarily for Missouri, but there are national resources available as well.

Victim Advocates
Did you you know that you can get an advocate to accompany you to to the hospital or make a police report? You can pre-arrange this with them to ensure you have the safest experience where they can even schedule the meeting with a detective and give you follow-up updates on your case. Places like the YWCA Metro St. Louis and Crime Victims Advocacy Center, and Children's Advocacy Center are great for this kind of work

Safe at Home Program
Sometimes after folks have been in an abusive relationship or have experienced an interpersonal violence episode, they struggle with feeling safe at home. Survivors may worry about their perpetrator having access to them, or stalking them. Did you know that that you can sign up for the Safe at Home Address confidentiality program to keep your address out of public record, to ensure your privacy where you live. You can sign-up here for free ​https://www.sos.mo.gov/business/safeathome

Offender research tools
Another tool people have in Missouri to help keep themselves safe is using Casenet to research individuals name to see if they have criminal or civil cases  of public record in the state. Sometimes knowing  someone's history can be a great tool for personal advocacy and protection, especially when dating.

Case update Tools
If you experienced a crime where your offender has been adjudicated and want to know the release date status of your offender, you can use MOVANS to get automatic updates on them. This is designed to help victims stay notified of their case and when their future safety may potentially be threatened. 

Crime Victims Compensation
Many people don't know this, but if you experienced certain types of crimes and filed a police report and are actively participating with the police in the investigation, you may be eligible for have any expenses incurred by you as a result of the crime, reimbursed to you. This may include medications, medical visits, therapy costs, funeral expenses, and lost wages. There are stipulations involved, but filing a claim is relatively simple, though the re-imbursement process may take some time. If you think you or a family member are eligible, you can seek info here ​https://dps.mo.gov/dir/programs/cvc/crime-victims-compensation.phpdps.mo.gov/dir/programs/cvc/crime-victims-compensation.php

Therapy Support
An extraordinarily valuable tool in the healing process from trauma is getting therapy. Our therapists at Healing Reflections Therapy: Diversity, Trauma, and Wellness Services are experts at understanding the complexity of trauma and treating the resulting wounds. We utilize evidence-based approaches to help clients address their acute traumas from recent events as well as addressing chronic concerns from traumas that occurred decades ago. Reach out to us today, and we can help you find the help you need ​https://www.hopehealreflect.com/contact-us.html . For those not local to St. Louis, you can use Rainn.org to lookup a sexual assault near you.

Group Therapy Support
Another valuable tool is group therapy. I often recommend individual therapy paired with group therapy as a part of the healing journey. It is a wonderful opportunity to share your story with other survivors and see that you are not alone. Places like Safe Connections and YWCA Metro St. Louis are known to offer this for free.  Survivors.org also offers a virtual support group.

Healing Your Body
As many people are now aware due to education on ACES and the popularity of Bessel van der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score," the body is often impacted by trauma and carries a health cumulative impact. Resources like trauma-informed yoga have come about to help this process. This month, Survivors.org is offering free virtual trauma informed yoga workshops as well as art therapy workshops.

Joining the survivor community can be a transformative experience. It can help reframe your relationship with your victimized self, help release you from the bonds of secrecy with your perpetrator, and empower you to find a community of others that understand and empathize with your experience. You don't have to go through this alone. It's never too late. 

For more resources and information, you can check out our trauma resources information page and our sexual trauma resources page.

Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT
Megan is a Co-owner of Healing Reflections Therapy and Sexual Trauma specialist. You can schedule an appointment with her today here.