Repairing Relationships: How to Apologize and Make it Matter

Over the holiday season people often come together with families, sometimes to celebrate, sometimes to grieve losses that tend to congregate around these times of year. As is often the case when families get together, sometimes things are said or done that are hurtful. Sometimes painful truths of the past are unmasked. People are often forced to reconcile with these new harsh truths and realities and to cope with their hurt feelings or the way they have hurt others, sometimes intentionally, but more often than not inadvertently or unintentionally, yet the hurt remains.

Dealing with the aftermath, once problems surface, means that healing and reconciliation may be needed. Some may find that their friends or family members are distant, if not not cut off from them until they attempt to acknowledge the hurt or make amends. One of the biggest challenges relationships face is when the offending party refuses really to acknowledge the harm done. A good apology is more than just saying “sorry.” Effective apologies help repair relationships, build trust, and promote healing.

Here are the key elements that make an apology meaningful and effective.

1. Acknowledge the Harm
What it means: Recognize the specific behavior that caused harm or hurt.

•  Instead of: “I’m sorry if I upset you.”
• Say: “I’m sorry for saying something hurtful during our conversation.”

Why it matters: People want to feel understood. Acknowledging what went wrong helps
validate the other person’s feelings.

2. Take Responsibility
What it means: Own up to your role in the situation without excuses or shifting blame.

• Instead of: “I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t have…”
•  Say: “I take full responsibility for my actions.” Or “I understand the harm I caused when

I _____”
Why it matters: Shifting blame undermines trust. Apologies are meaningful when they come
with accountability.

3. Express Regret and Empathy
What it means: Show genuine remorse for the impact your behavior had on the other
person.

•  Instead of: “Sorry you’re so upset.”
•  Say: “I regret that I hurt you with my words when I said ________.”

Why it matters: Research shows empathy deepens connection and helps heal emotional
wounds.

4. Offer a Plan to Make Amends
What it means: Outline steps to fix the mistake or prevent it from happening again.

•  Instead of: “It won’t happen again.”
•  Say: “Moving forward, I will communicate more respectfully, and I’d like to know how I

can make it right now.”
Why it matters: Offering amends signals that you’re committed to change, not just offering
empty words.

5. Be Sincere and Timely
What it means: Deliver your apology with sincerity, and don’t wait too long to do so.

•  Instead of delaying, take the time to reflect but apologize promptly once you realize the

harm.
Why it matters: A well-timed apology keeps emotions from festering and shows the other
person you care about their feelings.

6. Avoid Repeating the Same Mistake
What it means: After an apology, work on personal growth to avoid the same behavior in
the future.

•  Apologies lose their meaning if the same behavior continues.

Why it matters: True apologies are not just about words—they require action.
A good apology does not ask for forgiveness of the one that has been harmed. That only
further burdens the victim with guilt and responsibility.

Quick Recap:

• Acknowledge the harm.
• Take Responsibility without excuses.
• Express Regret and empathy.
• Offer Amends or solutions.
• Be Sincere and timely.
• Learn from Mistakes and grow.

While apologizing may be hard and requires the strength of being vulnerable and swallowing your pride, when done well, the reward is worth it. Keep in mind though, if you are only apologizing as a tactic to get more of YOUR OWN needs met, the other person may see this as a manipulation tactic and may not be willing to accept it. True apologies and amends come from your own desire to heal the person you hurt, sometimes out of a commitment to faith or justice to do right, and they acknowledge that when you attempt to heal others you also heal yourself.

If you are still struggling and need help, our counselors at Healing Reflections Therapy are also available to help mend the broken divides. Check out our Meet Our Therapists page to find a clinician that best fits for you.

​Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT