When Political Grief Hits Hard

For many folks across the US, the globe, and in marginalized communities this was a hard day.  At Healing Reflections Therapy, we see you. Your pain is valid. Sadness, anger, betrayal, shock, and frustration are all very real and may feel all the more acute when others are celebrating or otherwise blind or uncaring about what you are experiencing. You are allowed to grieve as you need to grieve. 

Grief
Grief occurs in separate and sometimes simultaneous cycles.  It may look like shock, numbness or shutting down.  It may look like anger and wanting to rage at those you believe hurt you and to cut ties with family and friends, it may look like sadness and wanting to cry or stay in bed and eat or drink your feelings.  It may look like bargaining and wanting to rationalize how you can make sense of it, thinking “if I just do x, maybe it won’t impact me”, it may look like denial and telling yourself it’s not over yet, maybe something may change it, or telling yourself or others to get over it.  

Next Steps
Focus on the now. Your brain may be spinning with sooo many possibilities: future fears of changes, loss of rights, concern for your safety and the safety of your loved ones, fears for the choices by lawmakers and the fate of democracy. Instead of focusing on external events that are much bigger than you and beyond your control, focus on what you can do for right now. Think about what you are able to control.
​
The serenity prayer reminds us to ask, "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." This notion of radical acceptance is hard, but can help move you out of helplessness and hopelessness.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Self-Care
Today is a good day for self-care. What does that mean? It means connect with your support communities, your trusted friends, family members, colleagues, and mental health workers- schedule a meeting, date, appointment, a get together. You could create a group text or join a social media group with like-minded individuals.

Please take some time for yourself. That may mean taking a day or two off of work. Give yourself grace for having to pick yourself off the floor or peel yourself out of bed after maybe having a night or two of less than ideal coping choices.  It happens. Try not to linger there too long. Focus on adaptive coping. Make choices for self-care that will make you feel proud of yourself later and allow you to feel better instead of worse. If you are someone who is in recovery, try to use positive coping skills rather than allow the current political climate to take your sobriety.
Find something that creates meaning in your life. 

Allow yourself to cry and feel your emotional response at times.  You need to get it out.  No one can hold in this much pain and live with it alone.  Rely on chosen family, friends, and community.  

Distraction
You might need to get out of your head for a little while and away from the media frenzy. Try unplugging and refocusing on other areas of your life, if you can, which we realize may be a privilege. Watch a favorite movie. Watch some stand-up comedians on netflix, watch funny pet videos on tiktok, put in your favorite movie- yes, you can go ahead and watch Twilight for the 100th time, throw yourself into some true crime, re-read your favorite YA book, spend time in nature, go thrift store shopping, go to a museum, create some art or play music.


Self-soothing
Self-soothing may look like connecting with your body and 5 senses to bring you peace. It may mean snuggling your fur babies and enjoying the texture of their soft fur, or hearing the relaxing sound of their purr or breathing, it may mean taking a hot bath or cold shower, it may mean making yourself some hot cocoa, putting on your favorite smelling lotion or cooking something that transports you to a childhood memory, cleaning your closet, walking around barefoot in the grass, buying yourself some fresh flowers to smell and look at, making a playlist of songs that bring your inspiration or peace or help channel your rage, enjoying some pumpkin spice whatever fall stuff has to offer, or maybe you put up your Christmas decorations early to surround yourself with things that bring you joy and calm your nervous system.  

Safety Planning
Are you a member of a marginalized group like LGBTQIA+ people or immigrants that is being targeted? Although some may try to minimize your concerns, you know what your experience has been and what you have endured, your fears are valid.  Does making a plan for safety give you a sense of control? For some folks, there may be talks with your loves ones about where in or outside the US you feel most safe and protected. Yes, I know lots of folks talk about leaving the country around elections, which just is not a real feasible for most. So there may be more practical solutions to consider. Are there legal documents that you need to arrange to protect the status of your relationship and/or your loved one? DO you want to work on getting your name change or gender-affirming surgery while that is still definitely possible?  Do you have a list of community spaces where you feel safe and people who you can trust? Don't allow people who do not see your pain or the situation accurately to deter you from doing what you need to do to be as safe and comfortable as possible.

Re-focusing your energy on Advocacy
For some people the best way to deal with this immense sense of lack of control is to look for ways to feel in control. This may look like volunteering for a cause or group that is important to you. It may mean joining your local political group and focusing on the next local election.  It may mean spending time supporting local marginalized communities. 

Hope
It is never wrong to hope. Do not be ashamed or mad at yourself for allowing yourself to hope. Sometimes that is all we have. If you are familiar with the Greek myth of "Pandora’s Box," then you know that when Pandora, the first woman on earth, was given a gift by Zeus, she was told not to open it. When Pandora gave in to her curiosity and opened the box, it was said she unleashed all the evils, sickness, disease, evil and horrors unto the world, but at the bottom of the box was HOPE.  

I often think about Red’s line in Shawshank Redemption “Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things.”

As crisis counselors we know that people die when they lose hope.
For those in power, we know that hope can be a threat to their power. Remember, all the previous fighting to legalize abortion and lift abortion bans was successful.  Oberfel and Hodges has managed to be the law of the land for 9 years.  In Hunger Games President Snow tried to stamp out hope in the districts, because he recognized hope could be dangerous.
From research on Learned helplessness, we know that it happens when we lose hope, people & animals give up opportunities for freedom from terrible situations even when presented to them...I won't tell you the story about the experiment because it will depress you even more (you can google Seligman's story if you really need to know more).
Never be ashamed of having hope and choosing to believe in a better tomorrow.

Remember, this is a marathon relay, not a sprint. You are not alone. He won't be the thing that breaks you.  Getting to the other side of this likely will mean a lot of pain and discomfort along the way. You may not look the same or feel the same when you come out of it. You may learn hard lessons along the way. You may be a different person on the other side of it all. The losses you suffer may not be fair or just. At times you may fall back and need someone else to tap in while you step back and allow yourself to rest for a while. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need and pause when you have to.  You have been though hard things before. You can do hard things. Throughout the world and history people have gone through enormous suffering, but humanity has endured...and generally moved toward progress. Have faith. Have hope. Have Courage. Have Endurance. Be Persistent. Have Heart. We are here to pass you back the baton when you are ready.

“Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things.” -Red (Stephen King's Shawshank Redemption)

Authors: The Healing Reflections Therapy Team