Mental Health Articles
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 A Sign to Trust Yourself taken by Megan Garza at Burningman of an art exhibit Many problems in work, school, with roommates, relationships, friendships, and families come down to one issue- Boundaries. Boundaries are the invisible lines that define where you end and another person begins. They protect your physical space, emotional safety, and personal identity. Healthy boundaries allow closeness without losing individuality. Healthy Boundaries can sound like: “I am responsible for my own feelings, needs, and actions. Others are responsible for theirs.” Setting boundaries is an act of self respect, not selfishness. It communicates your worth and protects your peace. This table below provides an outline of what different forms of boundaries look like and how it can be problematic when boundaries in those areas are crossed.  Setting Boundaries with Family Members
Sometimes when folks are struggling with relationships with their family members they have a difficult time setting boundaries. You cannot control other people, you can only control yourself, but you can request that others be considerate of your feelings. Here are some important key point to consider when setting boundaries with Family Members:
Remember- A boundary without a follow-through becomes a wish, not a boundary. Examples: • If they continue yelling → “I’m going to step away now.” • If they push for personal details → “I’m not discussing that. Let’s change the subject.” Consistency teaches people how to treat you. Focus on What You Can Control You can’t control: •Their reactions •Their opinions •Whether they change You can control: •Your boundaries •Your emotional energy •Your responses •How much access they have to you If you are struggling with setting boundaries with someone in your life, consider working with a therapist to help you develop your skills. We have multiple therapists at Healing Reflections Therapy available to meet your needs. Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT Therapist & Co-Owner of Healing Reflections Therapy
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Are you in a relationship with AI?: When a therapeutic tool becomes the third person in the room2/24/2026  More and more people are using AI to assist with their mental health needs, and new tools and platforms are being built to expand on this. Clients are using AI to keep them accountable, to locate therapists, to learn coping skills and emotion regulation skills, to track their sobriety, to create mood logs, and to help them recognize patterns in their behavior and symptoms. Some clients are using AI to create healthy meal plans. Others are using it to identify red flags in dating conversations or to help them figure out signs if someone is into them. But as AI gains familiarity, some folks are turning to AI for much more than resources; they are using it to fill gaps in their emotional intimacy needs. They are using AI as a pocket therapist, an in-home life coach, as a friend, and sometimes as a romantic or sexual companion. How did we get to where AI filled such a void within us? In 2023, the surgeon general declared loneliness an epidemic negatively impacting mental health. Between political values dividing the dating scene, the disappearance of traditional third spaces like churches for meetups, and decreasing alcohol usage, the fuel and kindling that historically gave rise to so many relational fires, albeit disastrous ones, many folks today just don’t know where or how to authentically connect. Now add the economic crisis and rising costs of insurance, making mental healthcare difficult to access, and you have the perfect condition for relationship problems and isolation. Enter AI. The AI Affair AI chatbots are being used as tools for social connection, a friend, a helper, a nonjudgmental encourager, with some people stating their family members think they are directly talking to a human friend at-the-ready. Some are crossing the dimensions into developing intimate relationships with AI, where they substitute human companionship. As so many sci-fi movies have predicted, the future is here, and of course, humans being humans, people have also started using AI for sexting with chatbots. Arguably, a more ethical arm of the porn industry, due to not requiring the exploitation of vulnerable women and other individuals, but not without its own problems. AI porn is built by stealing the art and original imagery of real humans, some of whom may have consented, others may not have to their original use, reproduction, or misrepresentation. For those in relationships, finding out your partner is in a sexual relationship with a chatbot without your knowledge or consent can lead to problems with trust, anger, resentment, betrayal trauma, breakups, and divorce. And those folks are already showing up in therapy rooms and divorce courts. The AI Substitute Therapist Over the past year, I’ve encountered more and more people using AI to assist in their therapy between sessions. Indeed, I rarely go a day anymore without hearing clients talking about their collaborative use of AI to aid the therapeutic healing, most of which they find very effective. The AI Couple Therapist Some folks are turning to AI to determine whether or not they are in domestic violence relationships and how to communicate with their emotionally abusive partner. We have heard multiple women report putting their partner’s words into the chat and then using the chat’s response to send back to their partners in an effort to de-escalate or set clear boundaries. The AI Family Therapist Similarly, we have heard multiple family members report trying to resolve family conflicts through AI chat. One family member will hurt another family member, then turn to AI to write an apology letter for them. Sometimes, the AI-assisted apology letter is a considerably better attempt at repair than anything the other person has historically offered verbally. Sometimes, family recognizes the AI assist, sometimes they don’t and are seemingly content with the attempt at repair. But what happens when both people are using chat to write their responses? It comes down to a question of whether any true skills are being developed, or whether people are outsourcing their relationships and avoiding conflict, and how to learn conflict resolution skills. AI should be a tool, not a replacement; otherwise, we would be left with a modern-day dystopian Cyrano De Bergerac where two AI machines are transferring messages back and forth to one another, masquerading as their human puppets who show up with placid smiles after the conflict, ready to hug and make up. The AI Psychologist Some are using AI to try to diagnose their mental health concerns. The problem, of course being that AI results are largely based on the information you give it, and frankly, it can be a bit of a brown-noser in trying to get your approval. More often than not, it tells you what you want to hear. It cannot tell you what you do not know or understand about yourself, which is especially problematic for folks who lack insight or are poor reporters. Nor can it observe your body language, tone, and micro-expressions that are key to understanding human behavior. Recently, in 2025, an AI mental health software firm, Yara AI, closed after the developers determined that further development of their product was “too dangerous” for users in crisis and would cause more harm than good. It was preceded by similar closures from Woebot, Tessa, and Clarigent Health. One AI company has already come under fire for contributing to psychosis and suicide. In one recent case, a 16-year-old who died by suicide was discouraged by AI from seeking help and was offered assistance in writing a suicide note. There have been reports from psych hospitals receiving an increase in AI-related psychosis. Adding onto the problem, recently OpenAI came under fire after it was discovered that the shooter in a mass killing event in Tumbler Ridge Canada had been using their service and was detected for “furtherance of violent activities” and was kicked off the platform months prior, but the failure of the developers to report the issue to authorities has created a question of liability and whether or not the crisis could have been averted. Multiple states have started to initiate legislation to rein in the expanse of AI in mental health spheres as recognition of the problems and limitations grows. Certainly, as a clinician, there has already been growing fear of jobs being encroached on by the tech and venture capitalist sector, but more important is the larger human risk. As therapists, we know that the research has been clear that the biggest indicator of successful outcomes in therapy are not about what tools are used, what certifications someone has, the type of modality or intervention applied that could be replicated by an algorithm, but by the therapeutic relationship itself. The healing art of dynamic human connection. The unquantifiable algorithmic element. Much like the development of the printing press, the automobile, the assembly line, the computer, and the internet, AI is not going away, nor is the human demand for it. The question remains, how do we best use the tools to our benefit? And perhaps the larger question remains for both users and developers exists in the bioethics realm, similar to that of growing the Jurassic Park dinosaurs: Are we so focused on what we could do with AI to meet our intimacy needs, that we are forgetting to stop and ask ourselves if we should? So, in conclusion, this is just your friendly neighborhood therapist reminding you o remember to stay connected to real people and use AI only a tool/resource, not a replacement for human connection. This article was written by a human without the aid of AI.
Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT Sources https://www.ama-assn.org/public-health/population-health/loneliness-public-health-crisis-learn-how-screen-it https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/feb/21/tumbler-ridge-shooter-chatgpt-openai https://stateline.org/2026/01/15/ai-therapy-chatbots-draw-new-oversight-as-suicides-raise-alarm/ https://www.npr.org/sections/shots-health-news/2025/09/19/nx-s1-5545749/ai-chatbots-safety-openai-meta-characterai-teens-suicide https://www.pbs.org/newshour/amp/show/what-to-know-about-ai-psychosis-and-the-effect-of-ai-chatbots-on-mental-health https://fortune.com/2025/11/28/yara-ai-therapy-app-founder-shut-down-startup-decided-too-dangerous-serious-mental-health-issues/ The Working Alliance (1994) Horvath & Greenberg. John Wiley & Sons: NY Jurassic Park (1993)  A question that I often hear brought up in therapy is when is it appropriate to cut off my family members? This has become a popular topic these days as generational differences, awareness of trauma, and politics divides family.
As systemic marriage and family therapists, we are trained to study family ancestral trees called genograms and look for patterns of connection, attachment, abuse, substance abuse, and cutoffs. Whenever cutoffs show up in a genogram, it tells us something important about the family dynamic and signs of dysfunction. Generally, we discourage folks from immediately considering cutoffs vs exploring alternate options. What are the alternatives to cutoffs Rather than black and white thinking, that things have to be "all this way" or "all that way" or we are a family unit or we have no connection, as family therapists we often encourage people to explore they gray areas. What about decreasing length of visits or frequency of contacts? Instead of going over every holiday, maybe only go to one, and don’t stay with them, limit your time there and stay at a hotel. Maybe instead of taking all their calls, you choose selectively when to respond or you just send them cards. There are many times as people explore their development and really individuate from their parents and begin to develop their own sense of identity and beliefs, that they suddenly see problems in their relationship with their family members that were not fully realized prior. Or perhaps the parent is struggling with adapting to the new role of having an independent, adult child where they have less control. At that point, as growing awareness blooms into anger and contempt, sometimes prompted by an outsiders’ view of your family such as partner, teacher, friend, or therapist that the drive to cut-off a family member or make big changes in boundaries with family comes about. When is a cutoff appropriate? Sometimes folks have decided that the only way they can have some peace is to cut off their family members. This is especially true when family members have displayed long patterns of egregious, toxic, abusive, manipulative, or selfish behavior and are unlikely or unwilling to change, nor take accountability for their actions.
These are all examples of family dynamics that are difficult, if not impossible to manage. Sometimes, for one’s own safety or sanity, there is no recourse but to put distance from the harmful family member. Note, a person is not put into these categories simply because you do not approve of them, or they are not who you want them to be or what you believe, they meet these criteria when they are actively inflicting harm on others through their behavior, the pattern is chronic, and there is a demonstrable unwillingness or inability to change. Consequences of cutoffs Sometimes I encounter clients who, at the advise of younger clinicians, have decided to cut-off their family members with formal letters, over more minor and typical family conflicts. Rather than attempting to work through the issue in family therapy, the family member unceremoniously receives a letter that that have been disowned or a list of their infractions and have been informed they are going no-contact. They problem with formally making these statements in a letter is 1) it gives the other person no opportunity to respond, clarify, ask questions, or make amends. And since many issues come down to problems with communication and understanding, this can only exacerbate the problem. 2) You cannot take back the harm inflicted by a formal pronunciation that you are cutting off a family member, thus creating or exacerbating a rejection wound. Although many people experience family cut-offs for a time, rarely are they permanent. Most people end up reunifying with their family members within a few years. This is true for even the abusive, toxic family members, or the religiously based cut-offs. Writing letters to harmful family members are very powerful tools in therapy for clarifying your hurt, exploring boundaries, and finding cathartic release. As a trauma counselor I have been witness to thousands of these letters over the years. However, a therapeutic exercise for the self is not the same thing as sending one of those letters to a family member and should be taken with great care and consideration. Sometimes folks who struggle with assertiveness or have fears/challenges with being communication/being heard by their family member may feel letter writing is the only option necessary, which may be true, but it’s also important to know that what is formally written may be hard to take back or make repairs from as well. There is also no guarantee they will read it. Cautions of cut offs If your attempt at a cut off is to get the person comply, to punish, to be more the way you want them to be, then you could be abusing the situation and using the cut-off as a tool for emotional manipulation. If, by contrast, you are using the cut-off as a tool for safety when all methods of communication, family therapy, consultation with faith leaders, and boundary setting have failed, this is totally appropriate. This is especially true when there are no signs of positive change or willingness to change or willingness to take responsibility for the harm that has been caused, and they are in-fact doubling down on their behavior and blaming you for it. Red flags. As a family therapist, I have witnessed the devastating impact of trauma and clients struggling to set limits with narcissistic parents who continue to ignore and cross boundaries. I have also seen the tragic result of when clients are unceremoniously cut-off by their family members and the pain, sadness, and confusion that results. Many times the person being cut-off genuinely does not recall the events they are being accused of and are shocked at the variation in perspectives. There is no easy path and the decisions you make today may impact generations to come. It's important to remember that small, consistent shifts in your behavior can change the larger family system functioning over time. A note for parents: Sometimes parents feel blamed a lot in the therapy process, and the fear of being blamed or judged can keep them away from participating in family therapy. This is a fair concern as parents do take a brunt of the impact when their is family dysfunction. It's important to remember that there are no perfect parents. And even the best parents are going to say or do something at some point that harms their child directly or indirectly. In family therapy we really stress the idea of a "good enough parent". In order for children to develop well, you just need a good enough parent. Most parents do many more good things than bad things. A bad choice does not automatically equate with a bad person/parent/child. Sometimes the positive contributions and the way the parent shows love is not readily recognized. For example, a child may say they did not feel love because dad did not hug them or say "I love you" or was overly strict or critical or said things that made them feel bad about themselves, but that same dad may have shown love through showing up all their sporting events, making sure to always have a job and steady income to support the family, by fixing things around the house to create a safe environment for them, by making sure they had a car to get to their job or college. How a person receives love may not be the same as how another expresses love. Parents do however have the responsibility, as the older person with more power and authority in the relational dynamics, of being the one to reach out to their children and initiate contact occasionally. It cannot be left just up to the child/adult child. The child also has a responsibility of returning the calls and checking back in occasionally as well if they both wish to maintain a relationship. Parents do have the burden of being the bigger person, because of child's need for unconditional love from the parent. If you are considering a cut-off, try these steps first
Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Supervisor at Healing Reflections Therapy  Over the holiday season people often come together with families, sometimes to celebrate, sometimes to grieve losses that tend to congregate around these times of year. As is often the case when families get together, sometimes things are said or done that are hurtful. Sometimes painful truths of the past are unmasked. People are often forced to reconcile with these new harsh truths and realities and to cope with their hurt feelings or the way they have hurt others, sometimes intentionally, but more often than not inadvertently or unintentionally, yet the hurt remains.
Dealing with the aftermath, once problems surface, means that healing and reconciliation may be needed. Some may find that their friends or family members are distant, if not not cut off from them until they attempt to acknowledge the hurt or make amends. One of the biggest challenges relationships face is when the offending party refuses really to acknowledge the harm done. A good apology is more than just saying “sorry.” Effective apologies help repair relationships, build trust, and promote healing. Here are the key elements that make an apology meaningful and effective. 1. Acknowledge the Harm What it means: Recognize the specific behavior that caused harm or hurt.
validate the other person’s feelings. 2. Take Responsibility What it means: Own up to your role in the situation without excuses or shifting blame.
Why it matters: Shifting blame undermines trust. Apologies are meaningful when they come with accountability. 3. Express Regret and Empathy What it means: Show genuine remorse for the impact your behavior had on the other person.
wounds. 4. Offer a Plan to Make Amends What it means: Outline steps to fix the mistake or prevent it from happening again.
Why it matters: Offering amends signals that you’re committed to change, not just offering empty words. 5. Be Sincere and Timely What it means: Deliver your apology with sincerity, and don’t wait too long to do so.
Why it matters: A well-timed apology keeps emotions from festering and shows the other person you care about their feelings. 6. Avoid Repeating the Same Mistake What it means: After an apology, work on personal growth to avoid the same behavior in the future.
A good apology does not ask for forgiveness of the one that has been harmed. That only further burdens the victim with guilt and responsibility. Quick Recap:
While apologizing may be hard and requires the strength of being vulnerable and swallowing your pride, when done well, the reward is worth it. Keep in mind though, if you are only apologizing as a tactic to get more of YOUR OWN needs met, the other person may see this as a manipulation tactic and may not be willing to accept it. True apologies and amends come from your own desire to heal the person you hurt, sometimes out of a commitment to faith or justice to do right, and they acknowledge that when you attempt to heal others you also heal yourself. If you are still struggling and need help, our counselors at Healing Reflections Therapy are also available to help mend the broken divides. Check out our Meet Our Therapists page to find a clinician that best fits for you. Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT  A popular point of discussion on social media these days is narcissism. It seems like everyone's parent or ex has been deemed a narcissist.
While in some ways the discussion can be helpful in recognizing abusive behaviors that can impact one’s own mental health, the overuse of the term has taken away some of its power and can lead to misunderstandings. Although it is common these days to toss around phrases like “my ex was such a narcissist” to such an extend that it seems like everyone dated a narcissist. However, the actual presence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder only occurs in 1% of the population. A person can exhibit moments of narcissism ( arguably all of us), but not be a Narcissist. So what does a Narcissist in clinical terms look like? The classic signs of NPD include:
Someone who may be very full of themselves, vain, or overly self-confident. They may have little insight into themselves. The may have little empathy for others and see themselves as the victim in situations where they are the offending party. Often people initially find them very amiable and “charming” is the word that repeatedly comes up in domestic violence circles. They have a way of drawing people to them with their charisma and enigmatic personality, but often their words and gestures are hollow with little sincerity, thoughtfulness, or follow-through. Because they make such a great first impression they can easily trick judges, police, family, and others in authority into believing that they are just a great, well meaning person and their counterpart is suffering from mental illness (enter gaslighting). Narcissism and its role in Domestic Violence Just because your significant other said you were exaggerating or doesn’t recall your side of the events does not mean they are gaslighting you. Gaslighting is a strategic way certain abusers systematically try to make their partner think themselves crazy. It is designed to break them down. Most relationships have couples that widely misperceive or misinterpret events, where one may be experiencing cognitive distortions and have a hard time separating feelings from facts or another may be bad at reading or responding to emotions non-defensively...that does not make them gaslighters or Narcissists. Gaslighting came from the old classic 1944 film “Gaslight” where the main character attempted to convince his wife she was crazy by stealing things from the home and accusing her of stealing or misplacing things, then telling her she had a poor memory, and climbing into the ceiling and adjusting the gas in the ceiling lights and acting like it wasn't happening to convince her she was going insane. It came to be known as a specific form of domestic violence, though can be used by anyone in power/authority, or looking to gain something from someone else for malevolent means. It essentially is intentionally saying/doing things to make someone believe they are going crazy…usually in effort to gain control over them/their things/or to just be antisocial and abusive and enjoy others suffering. Narcissists may use their charm and charisma to get others to align with them against their victim. The victim feels crazy and their self esteem and self-concept are eroded. They may exploit the victim's vulnerabilities to their own advantage physically, financially, or emotionally. Narcissists have more than average encounters with HR, police, civil and criminal suits, protection orders in which they see themselves as the wronged party. They may cry, pout, sulk, yell, namecall, deflect, project, deny, become puffed up, enraged, and incredulous if their behaviors are pointed out. One noted hallmark is the tendency to accuse others of the very behavior they themselves are exhibiting while admonishing it in the other person (kinda makes you feel crazy, right?). If they do admit what they have done wrong, it will be your fault because you “made them do X”, or you “made them feel Y”. Ultimately, they will usually take the stance of “it’s your fault.” I.e. "It’s your fault I cheated because you were not having sex with me enough.” Charming Narcissists may start out with lovebombing and seeming like the perfect person. When getting lovebombed it might feel like you are the main character in your favorite romcom and you likely will feel very special, but usually after 1 year or so of after they get their partner “on the hook” with marriage, housing, loans, or a child their veneer begins to fade and the other side starts to emerge- sometimes classically known as the Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde personality. The victim tends to spend a lot of time in ever shortening cycles of domestic violence idealizing the perfect periods and struggling to see the holistic pattern that tells much more about the overall personality structure of their partner and the waning hope for change. Partners, employees, and children or narcissists tend to develop a lot of insecurity about themselves, are highly attuned to slight reactions from others in a “walking on eggshells” approach to maintain survival and avoidance of further pain. Gaslighting vs Perceptual differences By contrast, Most relationships involve 2 people disagreeing about something because of their own past experiences, internal thought processes/distorted views of the world, and resulting different perceptions of the experience. In most cases, people are not intentionally trying to convince someone they are crazy-though this may be the inadvertent result. Take for example the Michael Brown shooting. They had 64 witnesses and their perceptions and reports of their experience differed wildly. Sure, some may have been motivated by secondary gain to report the way they did, but they were by far not outliers (https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2014/11/inconsistencies-what-happened-during-michael-brown-shooting/) There are famous experiments in cognitive psychology where people can be engaged in a game of basketball and a man in a gorilla suit can walk straight through the court and when asked later about it, most players and witnesses of the game will not see it, because they are focused on the ball (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJG698U2Mvo). A person could easily say “wow, did u see that gorilla?!” And the other person might be like “what are you talking about? There was no gorilla.” An argument ensues and one or both may feel crazy and this is where pop psych gets it wrong-someone might say-“you are gaslighting me.” This is not true, unless the person was intentionally trying to make the other person think they are crazy. And the added piece with cognitive psychology research by Elizabeth Loftus teaches us that people are especially bad historians. Our memories are very fallible and maleable to suggestion, which is why eyewitness testimony is considered the weakest/most unreliable form of evidence, despite people having the most confidence in it (https://www.science.org/content/article/how-reliable-eyewitness-testimony-scientists-weigh#:~:text=As%20Loftus%20puts%20it%2C%20%22just,that%20their%20memory%20of%20an). So, when thinking of gaslighting, ask yourself about the overall behaviors and intentions of this person. Do they generally mean you goodwill even when they are not trying to lovebomb or get something from you in a manipulative fashion? Do they try to help/support/lift you up/encourage your dreams and best version of yourself? Or do you usually feel bad/smaller/more out of control in ways that is usually inconsistent with how you view yourself/others/the world. Narcissists in Therapy Joseph Burgo in the book “The Narcissist you Know” talks about different types of Narcissists, the ones that want to be held in high esteem, famous, or revered and will happily step on anyone who gets in the way of achieving their goal. Dictators, politicians, and some actors and models have been known to fit this mold. Others have a veneer of wanting others to see them as great, but they are much more shallow and easily wounded and resort to lashing out when that is not validated. They are likely to throw a fit, use injurious words to cut down anyone that might see through the veneer and cut the person out of their life entirely. Some may be philanthropers or nurses, teachers, or ministers, or police , or even therapists where they are in the position of being admired and praised, but the people that are closest to them like their partner, parent or child may have a very different experience of them than their public persona. Narcissists are not historically known to show up for therapy unless court mandated or coming in with their partner for couple/family therapy. It is sometimes said that narcissists in therapy only become better at manipulation and therefore a clinician that recognizes the perils should proceed with caution. In these settings they tend to first focus on winning over the therapist by being a “good client” or they finger point all issues as originating with their partner/boss/family member/ex/etc and take no accountability for the work they need to do on their end to make repairs. Essentially, they take the stance of wanting the therapist to validate their concerns as the injured party and try to co-opt the therapist to get the other person to take the responsibility for the problems in the relationship. They may seem agreeable to homework, but have little follow through if the expectation is for them to focus on change within themselves, yet be simultaneously demanding of change and work from their partner. They usually do not see their hypocrisy and are emboldened by their narcissistic injury to overlook their injurious behaviors. Theories of what causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder Theories on the roots causes of NPD vary. Sometimes it develops because they grew up in entitled settings where they were pushed to be “the best” and likewise developed little empathy for anything/anyone that did not meet those standards. Conversely, some were treated so poorly from developmental/attachment trauma that they develop a false sense of self/veneer to convince themselves they were ok to steal themselves up from the outside threats. This is the narcissism that is much more fragile, because if they allow their guard to come down and see their own flaws, their core sense of self may be at threat. They may be vulnerable to experiencing the extreme pain of their early trauma, so they fight hard to allow those vulnerable feelings from being experienced. Traits vs personality disorder Maybe you have read this and thought you for sure know someone who is a Narcissist, but to be clear, the pervasiveness and chronicity and truly heinous impact of this abuse is what makes it unique. You likely have someone who treated you poorly, made you question yourself, did not validate your feelings, took advantage of you, or behaved poorly during an argument and did not share the same perspective as you, but it does not necessarily mean they are a Narcissist. If you reflect, maybe there are times you could say the same for yourself too. This popsych mislabeling is a disservice to real sufferers of narcissists, and gaslighting. Your ex- boyfriend may be a selfish ass, but probably isn’t an actual narcissist. We need to be kinder to one another and more magnanimous sometimes in how we interpret others actions. Fore more readings on the subject, you can read here: www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662 https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1519417-overview?form=fpf Gaslight(1944).www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJtJsFdpRm8 The Narcissist You know by Joseph Burgo By Megan Garza, MA, LMFT  First and foremost, it has been the case in our clinical practice that many Queer and Trans people who come to us for services are only hurt, angered, or feel cut off from their family members who choose to take actions such as not attending their weddings. As the person getting married did not choose and cannot change their sexual orientation or gender identity, family rejection does not send an actionable message to the person, just that family who object to their being out or in a marriage to a person of the same sex are incapable of seeing them for who they truly are and loving them as they are.
In our experience, people who may hold religious convictions that homosexuality is wrong or evil may feel as though they have the moral high ground in their family and social dynamics and may overlook the fact that LGBTQIA+ family members will object to their judgement and disdain and may cut them out of their lives as result. Just as we know there are correlations between Queer people not being able to be "out" as themselves or Trans people not being able to have their identified name and pronouns used and respected and the risk for depression and suicide, it stands to reason that parents of Queer and Trans children will cause often irreversible harm to their child's emotional well-being by choosing to put their own judgements in this area ahead of actions that communicate support and love. If you are someone who is not homophobic or disapproving of your Queer or Trans child, but simply feels less than comfortable due to lack of exposure to those communities, the concerns and values that your child likely holds, speaking from clinical experience, those adult children often just hope that their loved ones will do their best to communicate their love and support and be respectful and not say hateful/judgmental things or use dead names or incorrect pronouns. Many clients report that they are willing to accept that their family may not be capable of being completely open and affirming without reservation if their loved ones are willing to inform themselves, make an effort to see the world through their child's eyes, and not cut them off emotionally or financially when applicable. We recognize that, if you have an LGBTQIA+ child and are grappling with these questions, the likelihood that you would reject or disown them may be lower than the average, but we feel it is important to consider the impact that letting disrespect or even discomfort destroy one's most important relationships will often lead to sadness, loneliness, and regret. As therapists who support and align with the Queer and Trans communities, we are happy to meet with clients who may fall on either side of this dynamic and help them work through their feelings about the actions or identities of their loved ones in order to facilitate stronger individuals, families, and to continue to support the wonderful diverse nature and possibilities for the modern family. Author~Chris Scarberry, MA, LPC  As a family therapists we often run into clients or family of clients that are struggling with political and religious conflict with their family members from the LGBTQIA+ community, sometimes to the point where rejections, and cut offs are being considered. During the holiday season these conflicts tend to reach a fevered pitch, often being the driving force for many to begin/return to therapy. Adding another layer of complication, many individuals tend to get engaged over the holiday season, which prompts a flurry of spring weddings and pre-wedding angst. When the person getting married is your family member and the wedding is a gay/queer wedding, it may bring up a lot of emotions and turmoil over how to respond depending upon your level of acceptance of the entirety of who they are as a person. If you are someone who is struggling with determining what the best choice is for you, we've come up with some discussion points for the family of Queer loved ones to think about to help you gain clarity and hopefully some peace with your decision.
After taking time to read these questions, we suggest that you sit with yourself and notice your reactions. Did you notice any changes in your body as your reflected on them? Notice the questions that made you most uncomfortable and be curious and ask yourself why those questions brought on that reaction. Change is often uncomfortable, and we do a lot to resist change and return to homeostasis-where things were before and what we were most acclimated or used to. Sometimes discomfort shows up when we are at our learning edge, the place where we are challenged and struggle between our old beliefs and the introduction of new thoughts, feelings, or experiences that challenge them. We know sitting with your thoughts can be uncomfortable. One of the hardest things for folks during the pandemic was not having the usual distractions and being forced to sit with their thoughts (which had the unfortunate consequence of increasing substance abuse to re-bury these thoughts). Be kind to yourself. Let go of the judgment. Just notice and curious. If it helps, write down your thoughts to help you gain more clarity. Authors~Megan Garza, MA, LMFT & Chris Scarberry, MA, LPC |
AuthorSMegan Garza, MA, LMFT is a certified Specialist in Treating Trauma at a Supervisory level and is Licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist. She specializes in work with complex trauma, sexual abuse survivors, and relational therapy. Archives
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