A decade has past since my original post-#metoo era article on when rapists don't believe they are rapists. In 2026, just in time for sexual assault awareness month we are once again confronted with headlines that force us to face the same uncomfortable truth.

From the ongoing Epstein sex trafficking investigation (or lacktherof), to the recent sexual assault allegations about Representative Eric Swalwell, Russell Brand's rape trial, and Katy Perry being met with a flurry of Sexual assault allegations after Ruby Rose began speaking out about an encounter decades earlier. All of course, denying the allegations. The major headline this month being the bombshell CNN news investigative report that revealed that 62 million visitors in a single month viewed a website dubbed a "rape academy" where men exchanged tips on how to drug and rape their wives, and even exchanged video content of their crimes. The scale is staggering. People have been rightly horrified at the implications and scale. Women are being forced to question whether they really know and trust their partners.

Alongside this, a recently published 2026 study by O'Sullivan and Ronis titled "Isolate, inebriate, intimidate, Repeat: High Rates of Sexual Force Against Women are Reported when Young Men Given Anonymous Surveys." The study of 2,689 US and Canadian men aged 18-34 reported recently using at least one strategy to "force a woman to have sex" i.e. rape them. They reported an average of about 9 strategies being used, mostly being versal coercion or using their peers to manipulate the women. In 8% of the cases, the men explicitly reported drugging women for sex  (i.e. drug-facilitated sexual assault) on one or multiple occasions.

People have been rightly outraged and ask: How is this possible?

Many women indicate they are not shocked.
As a sexual trauma therapist, the answer is not abstract. These stories echo of painfully familiar stories I have heard from clients before. And they Point to a deeply unsettling reality:
Many Perpetrators do not believe they are perpetrators.

Once again, the talk about why women choose the bear re-enters that chat. 

The Problem isn't just Violence-It's Perception
When I was working on my thesis almost 2 decades ago comparing the sequelae of adult vs child onset of child sexual abuse I came across similar findings about sexual coercion. Our original survey packet administered to study participants included several different measures on sexual abuse, and one survey that assessed sexual coercion. Ultimately, we excluded the data from that survey after finding that 100% of the both male and female participants in the study reported experiencing sexual coercion. At the time, we suspected the instrument lack validity, seemingly not being sensitive enough to measure what we were intending it to measure.

Now, I believe the opposite was true: Our systems were not prepared to face how widespread the problem actually is.

Sexual coercion exists in direct opposition to enthusiastic consent, and it has criminal consequences. But when it is normalized, minimized, joked about, or reframed, it stops being recognized for what it is. 

The Mental Gymnastics of "Good People"
With these new headlines, people are enraged at the numbers. How could this many men be visiting these sites? How could husbands do this to their wives? How could so many people willingly talk about sexually assaulting their partner? The truth is, many men do not know they are rapists. They see themselves as a good person, and good people do not rape, therefore what they are doing cannot be rape. That is when the mental gymnastics start.

Pioneering research by Mary Koss demonstrating the mental gymnastic people do, finding that when you ask people about their abuser/abuser experiences without labeling them "Rape" or  "abuse", and just using the definitions that make them abuse, people are much more likely to endorse engaging in or having experienced those abuses....

So, now I am going to provide an update to my original article and once again address this theme- what if my rapist does not know he is a rapist.

"It has been almost a month since #MeToo flooded social media. Since then, almost a daily parade of new sexual harassment, abuse, or assault allegations are being brought to light about accused perpetrators like Harvey Weinstein, James Toback, Charlie Sheen, Louis C.K., Ed Westwick, Roy Moore, and Kevin Spacey. The responses by the accused have varied from silence, to deflection, to admission, to outright denial.

What Survivors Experience
Some statements have puzzled people, wondering how could they not know what they were doing was wrong or would upset someone else? Sadly, this relates to a concept frequently found in my therapy practice, in which many victims are astounded when they realize that their rapist doesn't know he is a rapist. After the assault the perpetrator may act casual, inviting them for breakfast, acting affectionate, kiss them, or invite them on another date. They behave as though what had occurred was completely consensual despite the fact that moments or hours before they were holding the victim down, whispering threats in the victim's ear, ignoring the victim's cries of pain or profound lack of interest or engagement, or ignored the fact the victim was intoxicated, passed out, or vomiting and while they pursued sex. The husband that secretly drugs and rapes his wife for years may tell himself that this is his right as a husband. The abusive family member may appear at holiday events and initiate hugs and pretend like nothing ever happened. They may be the charismatic, smiling life of the party. Even worse, family members often rally to protect the accused perpetrator. 
 
Sometimes the victim will run into the perpetrator months or years later and be astounded at how "normal" they act. They may approach them like friendly, long lost friends seeking to engage in polite conversation. They may reach out to the victim over social media with casual "hellos" and "how have you beens?" The victims may react in paralysis, fear, or rage and are additionally astounded when they see the look of confusion reflected in their perpetrator's face.

The victim/survivor comes into my office begging the question: Is it possible that my rapist does not know he raped me? Sadly, in some instances, the answer may be yes. For those that lack empathy, awareness of others boundaries or feelings may not exist. The default is: if this benefits me, my actions are ok. Lack of empathy can be the bi-product of someone in a status of power or privilege, "Just boys being boys," "locker room talk," or "old school." For other sexual violence perpetrators, they may have a sense, if not clearly know what they did was wrong, but use elements of denial, minimization, deflecting blame, or manipulation to escape any form of personal accountability to seep into their conscious awareness.

Power, Privilege and Normalization
Is it possible that some of these celebrities really did not know that what they were doing was wrong? Well, since they kept the secret and did not exhibit those behaviors in public, then probably on some level they did know. I would argue that they probably were in a position that did not serve them well to think it was wrong.  "He/she really wants this," "They deserve this," "I deserve this," "They like how it feels," "Everybody does it" are all arguments used to justify sexual violence.

Think of it this way: if you were about to step on an ant and crush it, you would probably tell yourself that have good reason to do so, that it won't matter, that they cannot feel anything, that you are really being helpful...but you can do this because essentially you see the ant as significantly less powerful and less important than yourself. By contrast, if you think about killing a shark you may still justify the kill, but you will still probably worry about the consequences to yourself because the shark is inherently more powerful.

Power, control, status, privilege, and lack of empathy play important roles in supporting rape culture. When we are so inundated in rape culture, like a lobster in pot slowly brought to a boil, we may not even realize we are in danger of becoming the next meal because the environment around us was already so unhealthy in the first place."

So what can we do about it?
I challenge men to embody the coveted protector role and to challenge other men. It is your job to start calling out the bad behavior of your peers instead of silently standing by or bearing witness in what translates into tacit complicity. Report website like the rape academy. Stand up to your friend that it trying to hit on the drunk girl at the club. Call out when you hear adults making sexual comments about teenagers.  Don't laugh at the "locker room talk", make the other person visibly uncomfortable by having them repeat it until it loses its power. It may not be all men, but most violent crimes are committed by men, and all men have a responsibility to do better. 

References

https://www.hopehealreflect.com/mental-health-articles/when-rapists-dont-know-they-are-rapists

O'Sullivan & Ronis (2026)
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/08862605261432630#tab-contributors

https://www.cnn.com/interactive/2026/03/world/expose-rape-assault-online-vis-intl/index.html

Conley & Garza (2011). https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1559-1816.2011.00828.x

Koss M. P., Gidycz C. A., Wisniewski N. (1987). The scope of rape: Incidence and prevalence of sexual aggression and victimization in a national sample of higher education students. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 55(2), 162–170. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.55.2.162


Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT
Sexual Trauma Specialist and Co-Owner at Healing Reflections Therapy

Over the holiday season people often come together with families, sometimes to celebrate, sometimes to grieve losses that tend to congregate around these times of year. As is often the case when families get together, sometimes things are said or done that are hurtful. Sometimes painful truths of the past are unmasked. People are often forced to reconcile with these new harsh truths and realities and to cope with their hurt feelings or the way they have hurt others, sometimes intentionally, but more often than not inadvertently or unintentionally, yet the hurt remains.

Dealing with the aftermath, once problems surface, means that healing and reconciliation may be needed. Some may find that their friends or family members are distant, if not not cut off from them until they attempt to acknowledge the hurt or make amends. One of the biggest challenges relationships face is when the offending party refuses really to acknowledge the harm done. A good apology is more than just saying “sorry.” Effective apologies help repair relationships, build trust, and promote healing.

Here are the key elements that make an apology meaningful and effective.

1. Acknowledge the Harm
What it means: Recognize the specific behavior that caused harm or hurt.

•  Instead of: “I’m sorry if I upset you.”
• Say: “I’m sorry for saying something hurtful during our conversation.”

Why it matters: People want to feel understood. Acknowledging what went wrong helps
validate the other person’s feelings.

2. Take Responsibility
What it means: Own up to your role in the situation without excuses or shifting blame.

• Instead of: “I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t have…”
•  Say: “I take full responsibility for my actions.” Or “I understand the harm I caused when

I _____”
Why it matters: Shifting blame undermines trust. Apologies are meaningful when they come
with accountability.

3. Express Regret and Empathy
What it means: Show genuine remorse for the impact your behavior had on the other
person.

•  Instead of: “Sorry you’re so upset.”
•  Say: “I regret that I hurt you with my words when I said ________.”

Why it matters: Research shows empathy deepens connection and helps heal emotional
wounds.

4. Offer a Plan to Make Amends
What it means: Outline steps to fix the mistake or prevent it from happening again.

•  Instead of: “It won’t happen again.”
•  Say: “Moving forward, I will communicate more respectfully, and I’d like to know how I

can make it right now.”
Why it matters: Offering amends signals that you’re committed to change, not just offering
empty words.

5. Be Sincere and Timely
What it means: Deliver your apology with sincerity, and don’t wait too long to do so.

•  Instead of delaying, take the time to reflect but apologize promptly once you realize the

harm.
Why it matters: A well-timed apology keeps emotions from festering and shows the other
person you care about their feelings.

6. Avoid Repeating the Same Mistake
What it means: After an apology, work on personal growth to avoid the same behavior in
the future.

•  Apologies lose their meaning if the same behavior continues.

Why it matters: True apologies are not just about words—they require action.
A good apology does not ask for forgiveness of the one that has been harmed. That only
further burdens the victim with guilt and responsibility.

Quick Recap:

• Acknowledge the harm.
• Take Responsibility without excuses.
• Express Regret and empathy.
• Offer Amends or solutions.
• Be Sincere and timely.
• Learn from Mistakes and grow.

While apologizing may be hard and requires the strength of being vulnerable and swallowing your pride, when done well, the reward is worth it. Keep in mind though, if you are only apologizing as a tactic to get more of YOUR OWN needs met, the other person may see this as a manipulation tactic and may not be willing to accept it. True apologies and amends come from your own desire to heal the person you hurt, sometimes out of a commitment to faith or justice to do right, and they acknowledge that when you attempt to heal others you also heal yourself.

If you are still struggling and need help, our counselors at Healing Reflections Therapy are also available to help mend the broken divides. Check out our Meet Our Therapists page to find a clinician that best fits for you.

​Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT

A popular point of discussion on social media these days is narcissism. It seems like everyone's parent or ex has been deemed a narcissist.

While in some ways the discussion can be helpful in recognizing abusive behaviors that can impact one’s own mental health, the overuse of the term has taken away some of its power and can lead to misunderstandings. Although it is common these days to toss around phrases like “my ex was such a narcissist” to such an extend that it seems like everyone dated a narcissist. However, the actual presence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder only occurs in 1% of the population.

A person can exhibit moments of narcissism ( arguably all of us), but not be a Narcissist.

So what does a Narcissist in clinical terms look like? The classic signs of NPD include:

1. Sense of self-importance
2. Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success 
3. Entitled
4. Can only be around people who are important or special
5. Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain
6. Arrogant
7. Lack empathy
8. Must be admired
9. Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them

Someone who may be very full of themselves, vain, or overly self-confident. They may have little insight into themselves. The may have little empathy for others and see themselves as the victim in situations where they are the offending party. Often people initially find them very amiable and “charming” is the word that repeatedly comes up in domestic violence circles. They have a way of drawing people to them with their charisma and enigmatic personality, but often their words and gestures are hollow with little sincerity, thoughtfulness, or follow-through. Because they make such a great first impression they can easily trick judges, police, family, and others in authority into believing that they are just a great, well meaning person and their counterpart is suffering from mental illness (enter gaslighting). 

Narcissism and its role in Domestic Violence
Just because your significant other said you were exaggerating or doesn’t recall your side of the events does not mean they are gaslighting you. Gaslighting is a strategic way certain abusers systematically try to make their partner think themselves crazy. It is designed to break them down. Most relationships have couples that widely misperceive or misinterpret events, where one may be experiencing cognitive distortions and have a hard time separating feelings from facts or another may be bad at reading or responding to emotions non-defensively...that does not make them gaslighters or Narcissists.

Gaslighting came from the old classic 1944 film “Gaslight” where the main character attempted to convince his wife she was crazy by stealing things from the home and accusing her of stealing or misplacing things, then telling her she had a poor memory, and climbing into the ceiling and adjusting the gas in the ceiling lights and acting like it wasn't happening to convince her she was going insane. It came to be known as a specific form of domestic violence, though can be used by anyone in power/authority, or looking to gain something from someone else for malevolent means. 
It essentially is intentionally saying/doing things to make someone believe they are going crazy…usually in effort to gain control over them/their things/or to just be antisocial and abusive and  enjoy others suffering.

Narcissists may use their charm and charisma to get others to align with them against their victim. The victim feels crazy and their self esteem and self-concept are eroded. They may exploit the victim's vulnerabilities to their own advantage physically, financially, or emotionally. Narcissists have more than average encounters with HR, police, civil and criminal suits, protection orders in which they see themselves as the wronged party. They may cry, pout, sulk, yell, namecall, deflect, project, deny, become puffed up, enraged, and incredulous if their behaviors are pointed out. One noted hallmark is the tendency to accuse others of the very behavior they themselves are exhibiting while admonishing it in the other person (kinda makes you feel crazy, right?). If they do admit what they have done wrong, it will be your fault because you “made them do X”, or you “made them feel Y”.  Ultimately, they will usually take the stance of “it’s your fault.” I.e. "It’s your fault I cheated because you were not having sex with me enough.”

 Charming Narcissists may start out with lovebombing and seeming like the perfect person. When getting lovebombed it might feel like you are the main character in your favorite romcom and you likely will feel very special, but usually after 1 year or so of after they get their partner “on the hook” with marriage, housing, loans, or a child their veneer begins to fade and the other side starts to emerge- sometimes classically known as the Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde personality.  The victim tends to spend a lot of time in ever shortening cycles of domestic violence idealizing the perfect periods and struggling to see the holistic pattern that tells much more about the overall personality structure of their partner and the waning hope for change. Partners, employees, and children or narcissists tend to develop a lot of insecurity about themselves, are highly attuned to slight reactions from others in a “walking on eggshells” approach to maintain survival and avoidance of further pain.


Gaslighting vs Perceptual differences
By contrast, Most relationships involve 2 people disagreeing about something because of their own past experiences, internal thought processes/distorted views of the world, and resulting different perceptions of the experience. In most cases, people are not intentionally trying to convince someone they are crazy-though this may be the inadvertent result.

Take for example the Michael Brown shooting. They had 64 witnesses and their perceptions and reports of their experience differed wildly. Sure, some may have been motivated by secondary gain to report the way they did, but they were by far not outliers (https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2014/11/inconsistencies-what-happened-during-michael-brown-shooting/)

There are famous experiments in cognitive psychology where people can be engaged in a game of basketball and a man in a gorilla suit can walk straight through the court and when asked later about it, most players and witnesses of the game will not see it, because they are focused on the ball (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJG698U2Mvo). A person could easily say “wow, did u see that gorilla?!” And the other person might be like “what are you talking about? There was no gorilla.” An argument ensues and one or both may feel crazy and this is where pop psych gets it wrong-someone might say-“you are gaslighting me.” This is not true, unless the person was intentionally trying to make the other person think they are crazy.

And the added piece with cognitive psychology research by Elizabeth Loftus teaches us that people are especially bad historians. Our memories are very fallible and maleable to suggestion, which is why eyewitness testimony is considered the weakest/most unreliable form of evidence, despite people having the most confidence in it (https://www.science.org/content/article/how-reliable-eyewitness-testimony-scientists-weigh#:~:text=As%20Loftus%20puts%20it%2C%20%22just,that%20their%20memory%20of%20an).

So, when thinking of gaslighting, ask yourself about the overall behaviors and intentions of this person. Do they generally mean you goodwill even when they are not trying to lovebomb or get something from you in a manipulative fashion? Do they try to help/support/lift you up/encourage your dreams and best version of yourself? Or do you usually feel bad/smaller/more out of control in ways that is usually inconsistent with how you view yourself/others/the world.

Narcissists in Therapy
Joseph Burgo in the book “The Narcissist you Know” talks about different types of Narcissists, the ones that want to be held in high esteem, famous, or revered and will happily step on anyone who gets in the way of achieving their goal. Dictators, politicians, and some actors and models have been known to fit this mold. Others have a veneer of wanting others to see them as great, but they are much more shallow and easily wounded and resort to lashing out when that is not validated. They are likely to throw a fit, use injurious words to cut down anyone that might see through the veneer and cut the person out of their life entirely. Some may be philanthropers or nurses, teachers, or ministers, or police , or even therapists where they are in the position of being admired and praised, but the people that are closest to them like their partner, parent or child may have a very different experience of them than their public persona.

Narcissists are not historically known to show up for therapy unless court mandated or coming in with their partner for couple/family therapy. It is sometimes said that narcissists in therapy only become better at manipulation and therefore a clinician that recognizes the perils should proceed with caution. In these settings they tend to first focus on winning over the therapist by being a “good client” or they finger point all issues as originating with their partner/boss/family member/ex/etc and take no accountability for the work they need to do on their end to make repairs. Essentially, they take the stance of wanting the therapist to validate their concerns as the injured party and try to co-opt the therapist to get the other person to take the responsibility for the problems in the relationship. They may seem agreeable to homework, but have little follow through if the expectation is for them to focus on change within themselves, yet be simultaneously demanding of change and work from their partner. They usually do not see their hypocrisy and are emboldened by their narcissistic injury to overlook their injurious behaviors.

Theories of what causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Theories on the roots causes of NPD vary. Sometimes it develops because they grew up in entitled settings where they were pushed to be “the best” and likewise developed little empathy for anything/anyone that did not meet those standards. Conversely, some were treated so poorly from developmental/attachment trauma that they develop a false sense of self/veneer to convince themselves they were ok to steal themselves up from the outside threats. This is the narcissism that is much more fragile, because if they allow their guard to come down and see their own flaws, their core sense of self may be at threat. They may be vulnerable to experiencing the extreme pain of their early trauma, so they fight hard to allow those vulnerable feelings from being experienced.

Traits vs personality disorder
Maybe you have read this and thought you for sure know someone who is a Narcissist, but to be clear, the pervasiveness and chronicity and truly heinous impact of this abuse is what makes it unique. You likely have someone who treated you poorly, made you question yourself, did not validate your feelings, took advantage of you, or behaved poorly during an argument and did not share the same perspective as you, but it does not necessarily mean they are a Narcissist. If you reflect, maybe there are times you could say the same for yourself too. This popsych mislabeling is a disservice to real sufferers of narcissists, and gaslighting. Your ex- boyfriend  may be a selfish ass, but probably isn’t an actual narcissist.  We need to be kinder to one another and more magnanimous sometimes in how we interpret others actions.

Fore more readings on the subject, you can read here:

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1519417-overview?form=fpf

Gaslight(1944).www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJtJsFdpRm8

The Narcissist You know by Joseph Burgo

By Megan Garza, MA, LMFT