A decade has past since my original post-#metoo era article on when rapists don't believe they are rapists. In 2026, just in time for sexual assault awareness month we are once again confronted with headlines that force us to face the same uncomfortable truth.

From the ongoing Epstein sex trafficking investigation (or lacktherof), to the recent sexual assault allegations about Representative Eric Swalwell, Russell Brand's rape trial, and Katy Perry being met with a flurry of Sexual assault allegations after Ruby Rose began speaking out about an encounter decades earlier. All of course, denying the allegations. The major headline this month being the bombshell CNN news investigative report that revealed that 62 million visitors in a single month viewed a website dubbed a "rape academy" where men exchanged tips on how to drug and rape their wives, and even exchanged video content of their crimes. The scale is staggering. People have been rightly horrified at the implications and scale. Women are being forced to question whether they really know and trust their partners.

Alongside this, a recently published 2026 study by O'Sullivan and Ronis titled "Isolate, inebriate, intimidate, Repeat: High Rates of Sexual Force Against Women are Reported when Young Men Given Anonymous Surveys." The study of 2,689 US and Canadian men aged 18-34 reported recently using at least one strategy to "force a woman to have sex" i.e. rape them. They reported an average of about 9 strategies being used, mostly being versal coercion or using their peers to manipulate the women. In 8% of the cases, the men explicitly reported drugging women for sex  (i.e. drug-facilitated sexual assault) on one or multiple occasions.

People have been rightly outraged and ask: How is this possible?

Many women indicate they are not shocked.
As a sexual trauma therapist, the answer is not abstract. These stories echo of painfully familiar stories I have heard from clients before. And they Point to a deeply unsettling reality:
Many Perpetrators do not believe they are perpetrators.

Once again, the talk about why women choose the bear re-enters that chat. 

The Problem isn't just Violence-It's Perception
When I was working on my thesis almost 2 decades ago comparing the sequelae of adult vs child onset of child sexual abuse I came across similar findings about sexual coercion. Our original survey packet administered to study participants included several different measures on sexual abuse, and one survey that assessed sexual coercion. Ultimately, we excluded the data from that survey after finding that 100% of the both male and female participants in the study reported experiencing sexual coercion. At the time, we suspected the instrument lack validity, seemingly not being sensitive enough to measure what we were intending it to measure.

Now, I believe the opposite was true: Our systems were not prepared to face how widespread the problem actually is.

Sexual coercion exists in direct opposition to enthusiastic consent, and it has criminal consequences. But when it is normalized, minimized, joked about, or reframed, it stops being recognized for what it is. 

The Mental Gymnastics of "Good People"
With these new headlines, people are enraged at the numbers. How could this many men be visiting these sites? How could husbands do this to their wives? How could so many people willingly talk about sexually assaulting their partner? The truth is, many men do not know they are rapists. They see themselves as a good person, and good people do not rape, therefore what they are doing cannot be rape. That is when the mental gymnastics start.

Pioneering research by Mary Koss demonstrating the mental gymnastic people do, finding that when you ask people about their abuser/abuser experiences without labeling them "Rape" or  "abuse", and just using the definitions that make them abuse, people are much more likely to endorse engaging in or having experienced those abuses....

So, now I am going to provide an update to my original article and once again address this theme- what if my rapist does not know he is a rapist.

"It has been almost a month since #MeToo flooded social media. Since then, almost a daily parade of new sexual harassment, abuse, or assault allegations are being brought to light about accused perpetrators like Harvey Weinstein, James Toback, Charlie Sheen, Louis C.K., Ed Westwick, Roy Moore, and Kevin Spacey. The responses by the accused have varied from silence, to deflection, to admission, to outright denial.

What Survivors Experience
Some statements have puzzled people, wondering how could they not know what they were doing was wrong or would upset someone else? Sadly, this relates to a concept frequently found in my therapy practice, in which many victims are astounded when they realize that their rapist doesn't know he is a rapist. After the assault the perpetrator may act casual, inviting them for breakfast, acting affectionate, kiss them, or invite them on another date. They behave as though what had occurred was completely consensual despite the fact that moments or hours before they were holding the victim down, whispering threats in the victim's ear, ignoring the victim's cries of pain or profound lack of interest or engagement, or ignored the fact the victim was intoxicated, passed out, or vomiting and while they pursued sex. The husband that secretly drugs and rapes his wife for years may tell himself that this is his right as a husband. The abusive family member may appear at holiday events and initiate hugs and pretend like nothing ever happened. They may be the charismatic, smiling life of the party. Even worse, family members often rally to protect the accused perpetrator. 
 
Sometimes the victim will run into the perpetrator months or years later and be astounded at how "normal" they act. They may approach them like friendly, long lost friends seeking to engage in polite conversation. They may reach out to the victim over social media with casual "hellos" and "how have you beens?" The victims may react in paralysis, fear, or rage and are additionally astounded when they see the look of confusion reflected in their perpetrator's face.

The victim/survivor comes into my office begging the question: Is it possible that my rapist does not know he raped me? Sadly, in some instances, the answer may be yes. For those that lack empathy, awareness of others boundaries or feelings may not exist. The default is: if this benefits me, my actions are ok. Lack of empathy can be the bi-product of someone in a status of power or privilege, "Just boys being boys," "locker room talk," or "old school." For other sexual violence perpetrators, they may have a sense, if not clearly know what they did was wrong, but use elements of denial, minimization, deflecting blame, or manipulation to escape any form of personal accountability to seep into their conscious awareness.

Power, Privilege and Normalization
Is it possible that some of these celebrities really did not know that what they were doing was wrong? Well, since they kept the secret and did not exhibit those behaviors in public, then probably on some level they did know. I would argue that they probably were in a position that did not serve them well to think it was wrong.  "He/she really wants this," "They deserve this," "I deserve this," "They like how it feels," "Everybody does it" are all arguments used to justify sexual violence.

Think of it this way: if you were about to step on an ant and crush it, you would probably tell yourself that have good reason to do so, that it won't matter, that they cannot feel anything, that you are really being helpful...but you can do this because essentially you see the ant as significantly less powerful and less important than yourself. By contrast, if you think about killing a shark you may still justify the kill, but you will still probably worry about the consequences to yourself because the shark is inherently more powerful.

Power, control, status, privilege, and lack of empathy play important roles in supporting rape culture. When we are so inundated in rape culture, like a lobster in pot slowly brought to a boil, we may not even realize we are in danger of becoming the next meal because the environment around us was already so unhealthy in the first place."

So what can we do about it?
I challenge men to embody the coveted protector role and to challenge other men. It is your job to start calling out the bad behavior of your peers instead of silently standing by or bearing witness in what translates into tacit complicity. Report website like the rape academy. Stand up to your friend that it trying to hit on the drunk girl at the club. Call out when you hear adults making sexual comments about teenagers.  Don't laugh at the "locker room talk", make the other person visibly uncomfortable by having them repeat it until it loses its power. It may not be all men, but most violent crimes are committed by men, and all men have a responsibility to do better. 

References

https://www.hopehealreflect.com/mental-health-articles/when-rapists-dont-know-they-are-rapists

O'Sullivan & Ronis (2026)
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/08862605261432630#tab-contributors

https://www.cnn.com/interactive/2026/03/world/expose-rape-assault-online-vis-intl/index.html

Conley & Garza (2011). https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1559-1816.2011.00828.x

Koss M. P., Gidycz C. A., Wisniewski N. (1987). The scope of rape: Incidence and prevalence of sexual aggression and victimization in a national sample of higher education students. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 55(2), 162–170. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.55.2.162


Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT
Sexual Trauma Specialist and Co-Owner at Healing Reflections Therapy

April is Sexual Assault awareness month. We are seemingly inundated with news about sexual violence in the headlines lately. So, let's talk about some resources that many people don't know about for seeking help with domestic or sexual violence. These resources are primarily for Missouri, but there are national resources available as well.

Victim Advocates
Did you you know that you can get an advocate to accompany you to to the hospital or make a police report? You can pre-arrange this with them to ensure you have the safest experience where they can even schedule the meeting with a detective and give you follow-up updates on your case. Places like the YWCA Metro St. Louis and Crime Victims Advocacy Center, and Children's Advocacy Center are great for this kind of work

Safe at Home Program
Sometimes after folks have been in an abusive relationship or have experienced an interpersonal violence episode, they struggle with feeling safe at home. Survivors may worry about their perpetrator having access to them, or stalking them. Did you know that that you can sign up for the Safe at Home Address confidentiality program to keep your address out of public record, to ensure your privacy where you live. You can sign-up here for free ​https://www.sos.mo.gov/business/safeathome

Offender research tools
Another tool people have in Missouri to help keep themselves safe is using Casenet to research individuals name to see if they have criminal or civil cases  of public record in the state. Sometimes knowing  someone's history can be a great tool for personal advocacy and protection, especially when dating.

Case update Tools
If you experienced a crime where your offender has been adjudicated and want to know the release date status of your offender, you can use MOVANS to get automatic updates on them. This is designed to help victims stay notified of their case and when their future safety may potentially be threatened. 

Crime Victims Compensation
Many people don't know this, but if you experienced certain types of crimes and filed a police report and are actively participating with the police in the investigation, you may be eligible for have any expenses incurred by you as a result of the crime, reimbursed to you. This may include medications, medical visits, therapy costs, funeral expenses, and lost wages. There are stipulations involved, but filing a claim is relatively simple, though the re-imbursement process may take some time. If you think you or a family member are eligible, you can seek info here ​https://dps.mo.gov/dir/programs/cvc/crime-victims-compensation.phpdps.mo.gov/dir/programs/cvc/crime-victims-compensation.php

Therapy Support
An extraordinarily valuable tool in the healing process from trauma is getting therapy. Our therapists at Healing Reflections Therapy: Diversity, Trauma, and Wellness Services are experts at understanding the complexity of trauma and treating the resulting wounds. We utilize evidence-based approaches to help clients address their acute traumas from recent events as well as addressing chronic concerns from traumas that occurred decades ago. Reach out to us today, and we can help you find the help you need ​https://www.hopehealreflect.com/contact-us.html . For those not local to St. Louis, you can use Rainn.org to lookup a sexual assault near you.

Group Therapy Support
Another valuable tool is group therapy. I often recommend individual therapy paired with group therapy as a part of the healing journey. It is a wonderful opportunity to share your story with other survivors and see that you are not alone. Places like Safe Connections and YWCA Metro St. Louis are known to offer this for free.  Survivors.org also offers a virtual support group.

Healing Your Body
As many people are now aware due to education on ACES and the popularity of Bessel van der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score," the body is often impacted by trauma and carries a health cumulative impact. Resources like trauma-informed yoga have come about to help this process. This month, Survivors.org is offering free virtual trauma informed yoga workshops as well as art therapy workshops.

Joining the survivor community can be a transformative experience. It can help reframe your relationship with your victimized self, help release you from the bonds of secrecy with your perpetrator, and empower you to find a community of others that understand and empathize with your experience. You don't have to go through this alone. It's never too late. 

For more resources and information, you can check out our trauma resources information page and our sexual trauma resources page.

Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT
Megan is a Co-owner of Healing Reflections Therapy and Sexual Trauma specialist. You can schedule an appointment with her today here.

 This year has been a big couple years for sexual assault in the headlines: Bill Cosby convicted, Taylor Swift and her sexual assault case, #MeToo, Presidential scandals, Brett Kavanaugh and the supreme court seat, rape kit testing laws being passed, Betsy Devos in the Education Department making changes to Title IX in favor of rights for the accused. As we get further into opening people's eyes to the prevalence of the problem, more and more people are wanting to look away, to decry this as a politically motivated issue, and a growing concern about the status of men, to fear for the men, men saying they are afraid to be alone with women, others saying that the Metoo movement has caused REAL victims to no longer be taken seriously. I have heard that frats of businesses that traditionally supported sexual assault related causes are now shying away, distancing themselves from something they now feel attacked by. 

Despite the discomfort that this raises, more and more people have learned of their loved one's trauma histories...secrets  long buried are now revealed. People have a greater understanding of the people they are with than ever before, in some cases bringing them closer, other times pulling them apart due to lack of support.  However, despite all the talk about sexual assault, there is still so much that people do not understand, most often having to do with consent and the justice system. any people still believe the myth that most rapes are committed by strangers, that there is evidence, that there are injuries, that the case is investigated by police, that rape cases make it to trial, that rapists will be convicted, that most rape accusations are false, that victims have clear memories of what happened, that REAL victims report the crime immediately. No. Just No. These myths are simultaneously exhausting and hurtful.

Tonight I heard a great program on NPR's REVEAL that addressed many of these myths through great in-depth reporting. I recommend giving this two part program by Reporters: Mark Greenblatt and Mark Fahey of Newsy and Bernice Yeung of ProPublica a listen.

https://www.revealnews.org/episodes/case-cleared-part-1/

https://www.revealnews.org/episodes/case-cleared-part-2/


While we are on the subject of consent, check out this amazing third grade level explanation of consent that could make the world a better place if everyone had this in school. 
​https://www.instagram.com/p/BqLoW_rBeLD/

​Several of the trauma and sexual violence conferences I have attended this year have brought up the MeToo movement and where we are headed next. With Google execs walking out over sexual harassment policies protecting the accused and forcing victims into arbitration, we are seeing one angle that needs to be addressed. Along with this there needs to be more attention paid to Non-Disclosure Agreements (NDAs) and how they too serve to protect the perpetrators, not the victims. Indeed, there were multiple cases that came to light this year with high profile politicians, media giants, and actors and producers whose abuses were allowed to continue due in part to NDAs. Not only do NDAs use secrecy that protects perpetrators, but this silence is also particularly a malignant cancer for victims.  Trauma therapists have long known that a primary factor in healing is the ability to tell one's story and receive support for it. NDAs deny this to victims.   

On other fronts, groups like Equal Means Equal have been working on ratifying the Equal Rights Amendments to get equality for women and men formally recognized in the constitution...a job started in the 1970's. With recognition of the ERA, it would strengthen the ability for prosecute sexual assault related cases.  With more places like Missouri enacting strict legislation about handling and testing of rape kits, there are bound to be more changes in the justice system ahead. As more and more people continue to talk about consent, keep pushing to have these difficult conversations, keep trying to educate the public about what sexual assault really looks like, we have the potential to change the landscape of trauma and healing for generations to come. It is uncomfortable now, but change rarely happens when we are comfortable. Real change, profound change happens when we are pushed to get out of our comfort zone, to try something new, to see things from a different perspective. The entire country has been put on the "learning edge," it's up to us to decide where we go next.


​

I was recently interviewed about my work as a Sexual Trauma Therapist on Angela Skurtu's AboutSex podcast. Angela is a Marriage and Family Therapist in the St. Louis are who recently published a book on Infidelity. She and her husband Josh have a podcast about sexual related topics. Tune in to hear my recent January interview about sexual trauma.

​https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-5wkhk-852edc

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While attending a recent training with the COCAN network in St. Louis, I was reminded of a few sexual Ground Rules that are used in group treatment for Children with Problematic Sexual Behavior. Given the current political climate and wave of people reporting their prior sexual trauma experiences, it seems that a reminder of basic rules may be a good starting point for boundary discussions with adults about non-consensual sexual behavior as well. These might be some basic rules to follow for appropriate sexual behavior when you do not have enthusiastic consent with another adult. If you violate one of these rules with a co-worker or someone who is not your consenting partner, you may be at risk of inflicting trauma on someone else.

1) It is not OK to touch other people's Private parts
2) It is not OK to show your private parts to others
3) It is not OK  to look at other people's private parts
4) It is not OK to use sexual language or make other people uncomfortable with your sexual behavior
​5) It is OK to touch your own private parts as long as it is in private and doesn't take too much time.

It has been almost a month since #MeToo flooded social media. Since then, almost a daily parade of new sexual harassment, abuse, or assault allegations are being brought to light about accused perpetrators like Harvey Weinstein, James Toback, Charlie Sheen, Louis C.K., Ed Westwick, Roy Moore, and Kevin Spacey. The responses by the accused have varied from silence, to deflection, to admission, to outright denial.

Some statements have puzzled people, wondering how could they not know what they were doing was wrong or would upset someone else? Sadly, this relates to a concept frequently found in my therapy practice, in which many victims are astounded when they realize that their rapist doesn't know he is a rapist. After the assault the perpetrator may act casual, inviting them for breakfast, acting affectionate, kiss them, or invite them on another date. They behave as though what had occurred was completely consensual despite the fact that moments or hours before they were holding the victim down, whispering threats in the victim's ear, ignoring the victim's cries of pain or profound lack of interest or engagement, or ignored the fact the victim was intoxicated, passed out, or vomiting and while they pursued sex.
 
Sometimes the victim will run into the perpetrator months or years later and be astounded at how "normal" they act. They may approach them like friendly, long lost friends seeking to engage in polite conversation. They may reach out to the victim over social media with casual "hellos" and "how have you beens?" The victims may react in paralysis, fear, or rage and are additionally astounded when they see the look of confusion reflected in their perpetrator's face.

The victim/survivor comes into my office begging the question: Is it possible that my rapist does not know he raped me? Sadly, in some instances, the answer may be yes. For those that lack empathy, awareness of others boundaries or feelings may not exist. The default is: if this benefits me, my actions are ok. Lack of empathy can be the bi-product of someone in a status of power or privilege, "Just boys being boys," "locker room talk," or "old school." For other sexual violence perpetrators, they may have a sense, if not clearly know what they did was wrong, but use elements of denial, minimization, deflecting blame, or manipulation to escape any form of personal accountability to seep into their conscious awareness.

Is it possible that some of these celebrities really did not know that what they were doing was wrong? Well, since they kept the secret and did not exhibit those behaviors in public, then probably on some level they did know. I would argue that they probably were in a position that did not serve them well to think it was wrong.  "He/she really wants this," "They deserve this," "I deserve this," "They like how it feels," "Everybody does it" are all arguments used to justify sexual violence. Think of it this way: if you were about to step on an ant and crush it, you would probably tell yourself that have good reason to do so, that it won't matter, that they cannot feel anything, that you are really being helpful...but you can do this because essentially you see the ant as significantly less powerful and less important than yourself. At least if you think about killing a shark you may still justify the kill, but you will still probably worry about the consequences to yourself because the shark is inherently more powerful. Power, control, status, privilege, and lack of empathy play important roles in supporting rape culture. When way are so inundated in rape culture, like a lobster in pot slowly brought to a boil, we may not even realize we are in danger of becoming the next meal because the environment around us was already so unhealthy in the first place.
Megan Garza, MA, LMFT  2011011850 MO
Sexual Trauma Therapist ​

Recently, we have seen a flurry of news scandals relating to sexual harassment and sexual assault such as with several prominent politicians, Bill O'Reilly, Bill Cosby, the DJ in the Taylor Swift case, Kesha's producer, and now Harvey Weinstein. In the wake of the Weinstein scandal, when daily claims of different celebrities and other aspiring actresses being sexually harassed and assault mounted, the #MeToo was popularized by Alyssa Milano as a means for individuals to speak out about sexual harassment and sexual assault so that people could get an understanding of the depth of the problem. 

As a sexual trauma specialist, people have asked me my thoughts about #MeToo, in some cases in hopes that I would support their disapproval. I have heard the controversy that it should only be for men. I have heard people claim that the movement minimizes "real" trauma experiences. I have heard the criticism that it shames people for not speaking out or that people are being judged for not using #metoo, and in some cases there has even been a backlash of #notme in response.

Sexual violence continues to exist because of the silence and the complicity of silence that surrounds it in the culture. Survivors do not feel safe sharing their secrets, because the culture does not allow them to feel safe enough to do it. Often the most severe symptoms people experience in relation to their traumatic experiences dissipate once survivors speak out about their victimization and are able to let go of the burden of secrecy. Secrets tend to be a source of shame. I celebrate with those that are able to speak out and simultaneously my heart hurts for those who may be in very real circumstances that keep them from safely sharing their stories.  They may not have had choice over their victimization, but they do get to choose when and to whom they share. 

Women and Men speaking out with the #metoo breaks the silence that surrounds and sustains sexual violence. It allows women and men to see that they are not alone. It is empowering to those that bravely share their stories and receive the support of a community of other survivors, who are then inspired to share their own stories. Watching the newsheadlines break of Ashley Judd, Rosanna Arquette, Kate Beckinsale, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mira Sorvino, Claire Forlani, Heather Graham, Angelina Jolie, Rose McGowan, Terry Crews,  James VanderBeek, America Ferrera, Reese Witherspoone, Jennifer Lawrence, McKayla Maroney and many others was both heartbreaking and inspiring to see what a watershed moment this was. The damn was broken. The possibility for change and the promise of healing awaits.  Indeed, Reese Witherspoone gave a speech at Elle Women awards this week and was quoted as saying "I felt less alone this week that I have ever felt."

It does not matter whether a person experienced sexual harassment or assault or rape, the point of #metoo is that no one should have to experience any of those things.  Every form of sexual violence is "real." It impacts one's self esteem, confidence, sense of safety, identity formation, their beliefs about themselves, and their overall health.  I recall a professor once who gave the account of being french kissed as a teenager by parent that was taking her home after a babysitting job. She polled the classroom and asked the class is we thought this was sexual abuse (It is). A few of us uncomfortably raised our hands. She stated that she did not think it was because it was disrespectful to other survivors who had it worse. Today, when I am going through worksheet with definitions of child sexual abuse with clients, my awareness of tongue kissing on the same list with vaginal penetration takes me back to the memory of that moment in class when I saw a woman struggling so much to come to terms with her own trauma, that she felt compelled to poll her classroom to tell her she was not a victim.  I see this all the time as a therapist, new clients who are struggling to come to terms with their own victimization will often enter my office telling me that they  do not think they "belong there," that they are taking up the space of someone who had it "much worse" than them, but in truth these are all just ways of minimizing their own experience. What they are really saying is " I do not want to see myself as a victim." To realize that means you admit you were powerless at the time of your victimization, which implies that you cannot control everything. This, in turn, is scary knowing that the world is an unpredictable place and that bad things can happen to good people. Shaking someone's worldview is tough. Helping someone transition from seeing themselves as Victim, to Survivor, to Thriver is ultimately our goal.  It helps to remind people that trauma is trauma, it does not matter what form of sexual violence happens to someone, or how one perceives it, none of it is ok.   

To critics that suggest that #MeToo is only for women, remind them that 1 in 6 men experience sexual violence before they are 18. Although women are at higher risk of sexual violence throughout their lifespan, arguably men face even more stigma around speaking out due to cultural beliefs about masculinity and myths about sexual orientation. Men experience the same trauma symptoms as women. Bottom line: Sexual violence is never OK. Any movement that gives people the courage to share and get support and validation, should be praised. We cannot change a problem in our culture until we acknowledge that a problem exists. There are people in powerful positions preying on other people and they need to stop. This week we took a step forward by bringing the secrets of the perpetrators' wrongdoing to light.

Megan Garza, MA, LMFT  2011011850 MO
Sexual Trauma Therapist 

A common misconception is that rapes must happen by force. People often visualize a bloody, battered victim who yelled and tried to fight back against a stranger who pulled them into the bushes. This is a very  unlikely scenario for a variety of reasons, one being that 75-85% of sexual assaults are perpetrated by someone the victim knows, not a stranger. Often, the perpetrator is a friend or a loved one, possibly even a spouse or partner. Definitions of Sexual assault/abuse/rape all can include "lack of consent". When someone is drugged, unconscious, asleep, under the influence of drugs or alcohol, disabled and unable to understand the situation, or too young, or in a situation where they are compromised and unable to make a reasonable decision, they lack they ability to consent to sex. No resistance is necessary. Federal rape law is: "Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim."
State laws vary.

Unfortunately, many people who are sexually abused are "frozen" with fear or dissociated at the time of their assault and are unable to fight, yell, or struggle. This sadly leads them to inappropriately blame themselves or for others to blame them for the abuse instead of the one truly at fault, the perpetrator.