Albany is supervised by Megan Garza, MA, LMFT 2011011850 MO

A decade has past since my original post-#metoo era article on when rapists don't believe they are rapists. In 2026, just in time for sexual assault awareness month we are once again confronted with headlines that force us to face the same uncomfortable truth.

From the ongoing Epstein sex trafficking investigation (or lacktherof), to the recent sexual assault allegations about Representative Eric Swalwell, Russell Brand's rape trial, and Katy Perry being met with a flurry of Sexual assault allegations after Ruby Rose began speaking out about an encounter decades earlier. All of course, denying the allegations. The major headline this month being the bombshell CNN news investigative report that revealed that 62 million visitors in a single month viewed a website dubbed a "rape academy" where men exchanged tips on how to drug and rape their wives, and even exchanged video content of their crimes. The scale is staggering. People have been rightly horrified at the implications and scale. Women are being forced to question whether they really know and trust their partners.

Alongside this, a recently published 2026 study by O'Sullivan and Ronis titled "Isolate, inebriate, intimidate, Repeat: High Rates of Sexual Force Against Women are Reported when Young Men Given Anonymous Surveys." The study of 2,689 US and Canadian men aged 18-34 reported recently using at least one strategy to "force a woman to have sex" i.e. rape them. They reported an average of about 9 strategies being used, mostly being versal coercion or using their peers to manipulate the women. In 8% of the cases, the men explicitly reported drugging women for sex  (i.e. drug-facilitated sexual assault) on one or multiple occasions.

People have been rightly outraged and ask: How is this possible?

Many women indicate they are not shocked.
As a sexual trauma therapist, the answer is not abstract. These stories echo of painfully familiar stories I have heard from clients before. And they Point to a deeply unsettling reality:
Many Perpetrators do not believe they are perpetrators.

Once again, the talk about why women choose the bear re-enters that chat. 

The Problem isn't just Violence-It's Perception
When I was working on my thesis almost 2 decades ago comparing the sequelae of adult vs child onset of child sexual abuse I came across similar findings about sexual coercion. Our original survey packet administered to study participants included several different measures on sexual abuse, and one survey that assessed sexual coercion. Ultimately, we excluded the data from that survey after finding that 100% of the both male and female participants in the study reported experiencing sexual coercion. At the time, we suspected the instrument lack validity, seemingly not being sensitive enough to measure what we were intending it to measure.

Now, I believe the opposite was true: Our systems were not prepared to face how widespread the problem actually is.

Sexual coercion exists in direct opposition to enthusiastic consent, and it has criminal consequences. But when it is normalized, minimized, joked about, or reframed, it stops being recognized for what it is. 

The Mental Gymnastics of "Good People"
With these new headlines, people are enraged at the numbers. How could this many men be visiting these sites? How could husbands do this to their wives? How could so many people willingly talk about sexually assaulting their partner? The truth is, many men do not know they are rapists. They see themselves as a good person, and good people do not rape, therefore what they are doing cannot be rape. That is when the mental gymnastics start.

Pioneering research by Mary Koss demonstrating the mental gymnastic people do, finding that when you ask people about their abuser/abuser experiences without labeling them "Rape" or  "abuse", and just using the definitions that make them abuse, people are much more likely to endorse engaging in or having experienced those abuses....

So, now I am going to provide an update to my original article and once again address this theme- what if my rapist does not know he is a rapist.

"It has been almost a month since #MeToo flooded social media. Since then, almost a daily parade of new sexual harassment, abuse, or assault allegations are being brought to light about accused perpetrators like Harvey Weinstein, James Toback, Charlie Sheen, Louis C.K., Ed Westwick, Roy Moore, and Kevin Spacey. The responses by the accused have varied from silence, to deflection, to admission, to outright denial.

What Survivors Experience
Some statements have puzzled people, wondering how could they not know what they were doing was wrong or would upset someone else? Sadly, this relates to a concept frequently found in my therapy practice, in which many victims are astounded when they realize that their rapist doesn't know he is a rapist. After the assault the perpetrator may act casual, inviting them for breakfast, acting affectionate, kiss them, or invite them on another date. They behave as though what had occurred was completely consensual despite the fact that moments or hours before they were holding the victim down, whispering threats in the victim's ear, ignoring the victim's cries of pain or profound lack of interest or engagement, or ignored the fact the victim was intoxicated, passed out, or vomiting and while they pursued sex. The husband that secretly drugs and rapes his wife for years may tell himself that this is his right as a husband. The abusive family member may appear at holiday events and initiate hugs and pretend like nothing ever happened. They may be the charismatic, smiling life of the party. Even worse, family members often rally to protect the accused perpetrator. 
 
Sometimes the victim will run into the perpetrator months or years later and be astounded at how "normal" they act. They may approach them like friendly, long lost friends seeking to engage in polite conversation. They may reach out to the victim over social media with casual "hellos" and "how have you beens?" The victims may react in paralysis, fear, or rage and are additionally astounded when they see the look of confusion reflected in their perpetrator's face.

The victim/survivor comes into my office begging the question: Is it possible that my rapist does not know he raped me? Sadly, in some instances, the answer may be yes. For those that lack empathy, awareness of others boundaries or feelings may not exist. The default is: if this benefits me, my actions are ok. Lack of empathy can be the bi-product of someone in a status of power or privilege, "Just boys being boys," "locker room talk," or "old school." For other sexual violence perpetrators, they may have a sense, if not clearly know what they did was wrong, but use elements of denial, minimization, deflecting blame, or manipulation to escape any form of personal accountability to seep into their conscious awareness.

Power, Privilege and Normalization
Is it possible that some of these celebrities really did not know that what they were doing was wrong? Well, since they kept the secret and did not exhibit those behaviors in public, then probably on some level they did know. I would argue that they probably were in a position that did not serve them well to think it was wrong.  "He/she really wants this," "They deserve this," "I deserve this," "They like how it feels," "Everybody does it" are all arguments used to justify sexual violence.

Think of it this way: if you were about to step on an ant and crush it, you would probably tell yourself that have good reason to do so, that it won't matter, that they cannot feel anything, that you are really being helpful...but you can do this because essentially you see the ant as significantly less powerful and less important than yourself. By contrast, if you think about killing a shark you may still justify the kill, but you will still probably worry about the consequences to yourself because the shark is inherently more powerful.

Power, control, status, privilege, and lack of empathy play important roles in supporting rape culture. When we are so inundated in rape culture, like a lobster in pot slowly brought to a boil, we may not even realize we are in danger of becoming the next meal because the environment around us was already so unhealthy in the first place."

So what can we do about it?
I challenge men to embody the coveted protector role and to challenge other men. It is your job to start calling out the bad behavior of your peers instead of silently standing by or bearing witness in what translates into tacit complicity. Report website like the rape academy. Stand up to your friend that it trying to hit on the drunk girl at the club. Call out when you hear adults making sexual comments about teenagers.  Don't laugh at the "locker room talk", make the other person visibly uncomfortable by having them repeat it until it loses its power. It may not be all men, but most violent crimes are committed by men, and all men have a responsibility to do better. 

References

https://www.hopehealreflect.com/mental-health-articles/when-rapists-dont-know-they-are-rapists

O'Sullivan & Ronis (2026)
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/08862605261432630#tab-contributors

https://www.cnn.com/interactive/2026/03/world/expose-rape-assault-online-vis-intl/index.html

Conley & Garza (2011). https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1559-1816.2011.00828.x

Koss M. P., Gidycz C. A., Wisniewski N. (1987). The scope of rape: Incidence and prevalence of sexual aggression and victimization in a national sample of higher education students. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 55(2), 162–170. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.55.2.162


Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT
Sexual Trauma Specialist and Co-Owner at Healing Reflections Therapy

Help us congratulate Jordan Langley, our former intern and recent graduate from the National University MFT program. She is now employed at Healing Reflections Therapy: Diversity, Trauma and Wellness Services and is accepting news clients as she is pursuing her license as a Marriage and Family Therapist. Feel free to send folks her way! Private pay or Aetna insurance. She has afternoon and evening availability, both virtual and in-person in South City St. Louis.
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We hope to see you all join us for a day of therapeutic and relaxation related activities at this year's Tower Grove Pride Festival in St. Louis City. The festival is all weekend, but we are just there on Sunday. Whether you want therapy dog cuddles, need a quiet moment to color, want to learn some new guided relaxation skills, or want to make some fun stress balls or make a packet of coping skills, we are here to help! Sign-up today. Free events all day!

For many folks across the US, the globe, and in marginalized communities this was a hard day.  At Healing Reflections Therapy, we see you. Your pain is valid. Sadness, anger, betrayal, shock, and frustration are all very real and may feel all the more acute when others are celebrating or otherwise blind or uncaring about what you are experiencing. You are allowed to grieve as you need to grieve. 

Grief
Grief occurs in separate and sometimes simultaneous cycles.  It may look like shock, numbness or shutting down.  It may look like anger and wanting to rage at those you believe hurt you and to cut ties with family and friends, it may look like sadness and wanting to cry or stay in bed and eat or drink your feelings.  It may look like bargaining and wanting to rationalize how you can make sense of it, thinking “if I just do x, maybe it won’t impact me”, it may look like denial and telling yourself it’s not over yet, maybe something may change it, or telling yourself or others to get over it.  

Next Steps
Focus on the now. Your brain may be spinning with sooo many possibilities: future fears of changes, loss of rights, concern for your safety and the safety of your loved ones, fears for the choices by lawmakers and the fate of democracy. Instead of focusing on external events that are much bigger than you and beyond your control, focus on what you can do for right now. Think about what you are able to control.
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The serenity prayer reminds us to ask, "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." This notion of radical acceptance is hard, but can help move you out of helplessness and hopelessness.

 Self-Care
Today is a good day for self-care. What does that mean? It means connect with your support communities, your trusted friends, family members, colleagues, and mental health workers- schedule a meeting, date, appointment, a get together. You could create a group text or join a social media group with like-minded individuals.

Please take some time for yourself. That may mean taking a day or two off of work. Give yourself grace for having to pick yourself off the floor or peel yourself out of bed after maybe having a night or two of less than ideal coping choices.  It happens. Try not to linger there too long. Focus on adaptive coping. Make choices for self-care that will make you feel proud of yourself later and allow you to feel better instead of worse. If you are someone who is in recovery, try to use positive coping skills rather than allow the current political climate to take your sobriety.
Find something that creates meaning in your life. 

Allow yourself to cry and feel your emotional response at times.  You need to get it out.  No one can hold in this much pain and live with it alone.  Rely on chosen family, friends, and community.  

Distraction
You might need to get out of your head for a little while and away from the media frenzy. Try unplugging and refocusing on other areas of your life, if you can, which we realize may be a privilege. Watch a favorite movie. Watch some stand-up comedians on netflix, watch funny pet videos on tiktok, put in your favorite movie- yes, you can go ahead and watch Twilight for the 100th time, throw yourself into some true crime, re-read your favorite YA book, spend time in nature, go thrift store shopping, go to a museum, create some art or play music.


Self-soothing
Self-soothing may look like connecting with your body and 5 senses to bring you peace. It may mean snuggling your fur babies and enjoying the texture of their soft fur, or hearing the relaxing sound of their purr or breathing, it may mean taking a hot bath or cold shower, it may mean making yourself some hot cocoa, putting on your favorite smelling lotion or cooking something that transports you to a childhood memory, cleaning your closet, walking around barefoot in the grass, buying yourself some fresh flowers to smell and look at, making a playlist of songs that bring your inspiration or peace or help channel your rage, enjoying some pumpkin spice whatever fall stuff has to offer, or maybe you put up your Christmas decorations early to surround yourself with things that bring you joy and calm your nervous system.  

Safety Planning
Are you a member of a marginalized group like LGBTQIA+ people or immigrants that is being targeted? Although some may try to minimize your concerns, you know what your experience has been and what you have endured, your fears are valid.  Does making a plan for safety give you a sense of control? For some folks, there may be talks with your loves ones about where in or outside the US you feel most safe and protected. Yes, I know lots of folks talk about leaving the country around elections, which just is not a real feasible for most. So there may be more practical solutions to consider. Are there legal documents that you need to arrange to protect the status of your relationship and/or your loved one? DO you want to work on getting your name change or gender-affirming surgery while that is still definitely possible?  Do you have a list of community spaces where you feel safe and people who you can trust? Don't allow people who do not see your pain or the situation accurately to deter you from doing what you need to do to be as safe and comfortable as possible.

Re-focusing your energy on Advocacy
For some people the best way to deal with this immense sense of lack of control is to look for ways to feel in control. This may look like volunteering for a cause or group that is important to you. It may mean joining your local political group and focusing on the next local election.  It may mean spending time supporting local marginalized communities. 

Hope
It is never wrong to hope. Do not be ashamed or mad at yourself for allowing yourself to hope. Sometimes that is all we have. If you are familiar with the Greek myth of "Pandora’s Box," then you know that when Pandora, the first woman on earth, was given a gift by Zeus, she was told not to open it. When Pandora gave in to her curiosity and opened the box, it was said she unleashed all the evils, sickness, disease, evil and horrors unto the world, but at the bottom of the box was HOPE.  

I often think about Red’s line in Shawshank Redemption “Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things.”

As crisis counselors we know that people die when they lose hope.
For those in power, we know that hope can be a threat to their power. In Hunger Games President Snow tried to stamp out hope in the districts, because he recognized hope could be dangerous.
From research on Learned helplessness, we know that it happens when we lose hope, people & animals give up opportunities for freedom from terrible situations even when presented to them...I won't tell you the story about the experiment because it will depress you even more (you can google Seligman's story if you really need to know more). 
Never be ashamed of having hope and choosing to believe in a better tomorrow. History repeatedly has shown us that the worst periods, the worst wars, the worst regimes do not endure, the human spirit does.

Remember, this is a marathon relay, not a sprint. You are not alone. He won't be the thing that breaks you.  Getting to the other side of this likely will mean a lot of pain and discomfort along the way. You may not look the same or feel the same when you come out of it. You may learn hard lessons along the way. You may be a different person on the other side of it all. The losses you suffer may not be fair or just. At times you may fall back and need someone else to tap in while you step back and allow yourself to rest for a while. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need and pause when you have to.  You have been though hard things before. You can do hard things. Throughout the world and history people have gone through enormous suffering, but humanity has endured...and generally moved toward progress. Have faith. Have hope. Have Courage. Have Endurance. Be Persistent. Have Heart. We are here to pass you back the baton when you are ready.

If you are needing help finding a good therapist, we are here for you . Or you can check out this article on how to Find a good Therapist https://www.hopehealreflect.com/mental-health-articles/how-to-find-a-good-therapist​

Authors: The Healing Reflections Therapy Team

We want to take a moment to welcome aboard our new intern Jordan Langley, BA, BS onto the Healing Reflections Therapy Team. She is completing her Master's degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and is ready to see clients. She is currently accepting spots for individuals, couples, and families virtually. A little down the road she will be able to see kids in-office. She is a great option for folks need lower fee accessible services. Feel free to send folks her way!

​In doing my clinical work, I spend much time supporting and processing the reactions of vulnerable clients from marginalized populations to the current and recent political climate in the United States which has included the Supreme Court ruling that took away federal abortion protections.  For myself and among clients I see, many of whom are not female assigned or identified, a fear nonetheless set in that many of the freedoms, values, and protections that came about as the result of tireless fighting and advocacy for workers, women, people of color, and LGBTQIA+ people, and others could/will be on the chopping block. 
 
Doing the clinical work that I do, I especially found many of my transgender and/or Queer clients fearing for the state of their marriages, their employment, their right to a safe abortion and also for their physical safety in ways that they had not since before the Obama administration.  In many cases, this very real fear has led to an exacerbation of mental health symptoms already present or created symptoms of a severity and duration necessary to warrant an Adjustment Disorder Diagnosis or a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder.  To look at how some of the composite reactions I've seen have led to symptom creation and exacerbation, let's take a look at the criteria for Major Depressive Disorder as it relates to the experiences of clients and others as reported and observed and discuss how we as clinicians in this practice approach supporting clients with these symptoms and societal concerns.
 
The symptoms that are potentially part of a depressive episode include: depressed mood, loss of interest/pleasure, weight gain or loss, thoughts of death or suicide, feelings of worthlessness/guilt, fatigue, insomnia/hypersomnia, decreased concentration.  These symptoms need to exist in an episode which lasts 2 weeks or more.  I have seen symptoms such as these arise for the first time or be exacerbated by the current circumstances.  In my clinical work, most notably, I have seen these symptoms arise in clients pertaining to both the recent Supreme Court ruling coupled with comments made by a justice that he might be inclined to vote to overturn the past Marriage Equality ruling that federally legalized marriage for Queer-Identified Individuals.  These federal events coupled with Missouri taking steps to orchestrate one of the most rigid statewide abortion bans in the country, led many of my clients to contemplate leaving the state or residing in a more progressive country.
 
In terms of how I’ve seen symptom creation, depressed mood was most frequently caused by negative and invalidating reactions to the local political situation by clients’ loved ones.  The disillusionment caused by this disconnect often leaves Queer and Trans people wondering how their family and purported friends can support politicians, institutions, and businesses that have agendas and take measures that treat marginalized people in invalidating, harmful, personal safety-jeopardizing ways.  Loss of interest/pleasure in activities often relates to limits in the ability to comfortably engage in hobbies.  Clients often have feelings of worthlessness related to feeling as though their safety and value as a person are being undermined when things like so called “bathroom bills” are being voted upon to not allow transgender people to use the bathroom that corresponds with their identified gender or when Queer and Trans client see reproductive rights for women being rolled back and understandably worry that their much more recent/tenuous rights will be next on the chopping block.  All of these concerns can and have disturbed my clients’ sleep, appetite, and made them feel drained and exhausted.  As such, some, in addition to considering relocation are considering trying psych meds for the first time.  We have been processing the resulting elevated symptomology with our clients and, when needed, referring them for additional services like psychiatric care, support groups such as those at MTUG, 12-Step meetings at place such as the Alano Club, and normalizing our client’s fears and concerns related to the ways in which they are understandably symptomatic/experiencing elevated levels of symptoms due to the fear of losing the already unacceptable level of rights and benefits that were fought for during Stonewall and for decades since, and generally assisting in the formulation of “created family” for our clients who are often being harmed by their biological families and systems of power.
 
If you are someone who is hurting or feeling isolated or in-danger as a result of the current political environment, please know that you are not alone and that others are also struggling markedly with their mental health.  Please know also that even though it can be especially scary for people who have been let down and marginalized by people who should have helped and cared about them, there are service providers some of whom are in the community who are open, affirming, and are advocating both in the field and in their personal lives for LGBTQIA+ people, their marriages, their personal safety, their need for safe spaces including bathrooms, and the need for greater awareness of the needs of this community for the competence of service providers.  While many of us feel that these are dark, scary political times and will be for some time, we at Healing Reflections Therapy are dedicated to affirming and defending the rights of the Queer and Trans communities as well as cisgender women and communities of color. 

​~Chris Scarberry, LPC
 

As part of the National Partnership for Ending Interpersonal Violence (NPEIV), I have committed myself to the cause of ending violence across the lifespan. Along with my colleagues Dr. Pearl Berman, Joyce Thomas, Dr. Karen Rich, Susan Omilian and I recently worked in collaboration to present a webinar series on addressing the impact of violence in Pennsylvania communities, with emphasis on trauma-informed care related interventions.

​You can watch the video here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bafhxI6PIlc&t=6s  to learn more or tune into NPEIV's youtube channel to watch the video series that follows up on resilience. 

If you want to collaborate and help end interpersonal violence, consider joining NPEIV and attending this year's Think Tank in San Diego, CA on August 27, 2022  ​https://www.npeiv.org/think-tank

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Healing Reflections Therapy is excited to announce the addition of our new Intern, Mckayla Kagie. She is completing her graduate program at Capella University in Marriage and Family Therapy. 

She has immediate availability to see individuals, teens, and adults for $40 per hour, or  couples or families for $50 per hour.

She has afternoon and evening availability for virtual sessions.

She specializes in Marriage and Family Therapy, depression, and Trauma and will be working under the supervision of Megan Garza, MA, LMFT 2011011850 MO.

If you are interested in working with McKayla, contact us at [email protected]

I am pleased to announce the publication of the book chapter I co-authored with Dr. Karen Rich on Trauma-Informed Systems of Care in the new resource Handbook of Interpersonal Violence Across the Lifespan. 

Rich K., Garza M.R. (2020) Trauma-Informed Systems of Care. In: Geffner R., White J.W., Hamberger L.K., Rosenbaum A., Vaughan-Eden V., Vieth V.I. (eds) Handbook of Interpersonal Violence and Abuse Across the Lifespan. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-62122-7_293-1

"Survivors of interpersonal trauma are vulnerable to risk of re-victimization when seeking help from community agencies such as welfare offices, substance abuse clinics, schools, homeless shelters, medical facilities and criminal justice agencies. Re-victimization of trauma survivors can lead to client dropout, “resistant” behavior, and treatment failure. It can also lead to stress, conflict, burnout, and frequent turnover among staff. Trauma-informed care is a community’s best approach to supporting survivors of interpersonal violence, but many agencies under-estimate its value or lack a comprehensive approach to its implementation. Budgetary concerns, resistance to change, turf issues, hierarchical power structures, lack of training, fears of trauma contagion and negative attitudes towards service recipients contribute to the problems. Interdisciplinary collaboration, investment in prevention, concern for employee wellness and top-down commitment are essential features of trauma-informed agencies. This chapter will present an overview of trauma-informed care, the benefits to clients and providers, obstacles to implementation of best practices, and research initiatives in the field."

This handbook is a project of The National Partnership for Ending Interpersonal Violence (NPEIV), an organization I have been a part of several years dedicated to ending interpersonal violence. The chapters in this handbook are comprehensive in covering the most up-to date research on various forms of interpersonal violence. Over 200 authors, clinicians, and researchers contributed to the handbook, with all proceeds benefitting NPEIV. 

​Introduction:  The Handbook of Interpersonal Violence Across the Lifespan is a comprehensive state-of-the-science reference work for researchers, practitioners, and policy makers. It is written from a trauma-informed perspective, and utilizes adverse childhood experiences research as its basic developmental framework along with the traumatic effects all forms of interpersonal violence tend to produce. With public health and social justice in mind, this human-rights based handbook also focuses on the overlap and continuum of the various types of interpersonal violence. It integrates all forms of interpersonal violence while dealing with key issues of intersectionality and systems responses.


This two-volume handbook is published in collaboration with the National Partnership to End Interpersonal Violence Across the Lifespan, which aims to:

• Acknowledge and understand the impact interpersonal violence has on individuals and society
• Recognize the mental, physical, legal, social, and economic burden of interpersonal violence
• Respect an individual's basic right to live without violence; value human dignity
• Promote consensus-based practices while maintaining cultural sensitivity
• Consider and address the unique needs of vulnerable populations

I encourage anyone with an interest in ending interpersonal violence to make a pledge to NPEIV today at ​www.npeiv.org/donate-2