A decade has past since my original post-#metoo era article on when rapists don't believe they are rapists. In 2026, just in time for sexual assault awareness month we are once again confronted with headlines that force us to face the same uncomfortable truth.

From the ongoing Epstein sex trafficking investigation (or lacktherof), to the recent sexual assault allegations about Representative Eric Swalwell, Russell Brand's rape trial, and Katy Perry being met with a flurry of Sexual assault allegations after Ruby Rose began speaking out about an encounter decades earlier. All of course, denying the allegations. The major headline this month being the bombshell CNN news investigative report that revealed that 62 million visitors in a single month viewed a website dubbed a "rape academy" where men exchanged tips on how to drug and rape their wives, and even exchanged video content of their crimes. The scale is staggering. People have been rightly horrified at the implications and scale. Women are being forced to question whether they really know and trust their partners.

Alongside this, a recently published 2026 study by O'Sullivan and Ronis titled "Isolate, inebriate, intimidate, Repeat: High Rates of Sexual Force Against Women are Reported when Young Men Given Anonymous Surveys." The study of 2,689 US and Canadian men aged 18-34 reported recently using at least one strategy to "force a woman to have sex" i.e. rape them. They reported an average of about 9 strategies being used, mostly being versal coercion or using their peers to manipulate the women. In 8% of the cases, the men explicitly reported drugging women for sex  (i.e. drug-facilitated sexual assault) on one or multiple occasions.

People have been rightly outraged and ask: How is this possible?

Many women indicate they are not shocked.
As a sexual trauma therapist, the answer is not abstract. These stories echo of painfully familiar stories I have heard from clients before. And they Point to a deeply unsettling reality:
Many Perpetrators do not believe they are perpetrators.

Once again, the talk about why women choose the bear re-enters that chat. 

The Problem isn't just Violence-It's Perception
When I was working on my thesis almost 2 decades ago comparing the sequelae of adult vs child onset of child sexual abuse I came across similar findings about sexual coercion. Our original survey packet administered to study participants included several different measures on sexual abuse, and one survey that assessed sexual coercion. Ultimately, we excluded the data from that survey after finding that 100% of the both male and female participants in the study reported experiencing sexual coercion. At the time, we suspected the instrument lack validity, seemingly not being sensitive enough to measure what we were intending it to measure.

Now, I believe the opposite was true: Our systems were not prepared to face how widespread the problem actually is.

Sexual coercion exists in direct opposition to enthusiastic consent, and it has criminal consequences. But when it is normalized, minimized, joked about, or reframed, it stops being recognized for what it is. 

The Mental Gymnastics of "Good People"
With these new headlines, people are enraged at the numbers. How could this many men be visiting these sites? How could husbands do this to their wives? How could so many people willingly talk about sexually assaulting their partner? The truth is, many men do not know they are rapists. They see themselves as a good person, and good people do not rape, therefore what they are doing cannot be rape. That is when the mental gymnastics start.

Pioneering research by Mary Koss demonstrating the mental gymnastic people do, finding that when you ask people about their abuser/abuser experiences without labeling them "Rape" or  "abuse", and just using the definitions that make them abuse, people are much more likely to endorse engaging in or having experienced those abuses....

So, now I am going to provide an update to my original article and once again address this theme- what if my rapist does not know he is a rapist.

"It has been almost a month since #MeToo flooded social media. Since then, almost a daily parade of new sexual harassment, abuse, or assault allegations are being brought to light about accused perpetrators like Harvey Weinstein, James Toback, Charlie Sheen, Louis C.K., Ed Westwick, Roy Moore, and Kevin Spacey. The responses by the accused have varied from silence, to deflection, to admission, to outright denial.

What Survivors Experience
Some statements have puzzled people, wondering how could they not know what they were doing was wrong or would upset someone else? Sadly, this relates to a concept frequently found in my therapy practice, in which many victims are astounded when they realize that their rapist doesn't know he is a rapist. After the assault the perpetrator may act casual, inviting them for breakfast, acting affectionate, kiss them, or invite them on another date. They behave as though what had occurred was completely consensual despite the fact that moments or hours before they were holding the victim down, whispering threats in the victim's ear, ignoring the victim's cries of pain or profound lack of interest or engagement, or ignored the fact the victim was intoxicated, passed out, or vomiting and while they pursued sex. The husband that secretly drugs and rapes his wife for years may tell himself that this is his right as a husband. The abusive family member may appear at holiday events and initiate hugs and pretend like nothing ever happened. They may be the charismatic, smiling life of the party. Even worse, family members often rally to protect the accused perpetrator. 
 
Sometimes the victim will run into the perpetrator months or years later and be astounded at how "normal" they act. They may approach them like friendly, long lost friends seeking to engage in polite conversation. They may reach out to the victim over social media with casual "hellos" and "how have you beens?" The victims may react in paralysis, fear, or rage and are additionally astounded when they see the look of confusion reflected in their perpetrator's face.

The victim/survivor comes into my office begging the question: Is it possible that my rapist does not know he raped me? Sadly, in some instances, the answer may be yes. For those that lack empathy, awareness of others boundaries or feelings may not exist. The default is: if this benefits me, my actions are ok. Lack of empathy can be the bi-product of someone in a status of power or privilege, "Just boys being boys," "locker room talk," or "old school." For other sexual violence perpetrators, they may have a sense, if not clearly know what they did was wrong, but use elements of denial, minimization, deflecting blame, or manipulation to escape any form of personal accountability to seep into their conscious awareness.

Power, Privilege and Normalization
Is it possible that some of these celebrities really did not know that what they were doing was wrong? Well, since they kept the secret and did not exhibit those behaviors in public, then probably on some level they did know. I would argue that they probably were in a position that did not serve them well to think it was wrong.  "He/she really wants this," "They deserve this," "I deserve this," "They like how it feels," "Everybody does it" are all arguments used to justify sexual violence.

Think of it this way: if you were about to step on an ant and crush it, you would probably tell yourself that have good reason to do so, that it won't matter, that they cannot feel anything, that you are really being helpful...but you can do this because essentially you see the ant as significantly less powerful and less important than yourself. By contrast, if you think about killing a shark you may still justify the kill, but you will still probably worry about the consequences to yourself because the shark is inherently more powerful.

Power, control, status, privilege, and lack of empathy play important roles in supporting rape culture. When we are so inundated in rape culture, like a lobster in pot slowly brought to a boil, we may not even realize we are in danger of becoming the next meal because the environment around us was already so unhealthy in the first place."

So what can we do about it?
I challenge men to embody the coveted protector role and to challenge other men. It is your job to start calling out the bad behavior of your peers instead of silently standing by or bearing witness in what translates into tacit complicity. Report website like the rape academy. Stand up to your friend that it trying to hit on the drunk girl at the club. Call out when you hear adults making sexual comments about teenagers.  Don't laugh at the "locker room talk", make the other person visibly uncomfortable by having them repeat it until it loses its power. It may not be all men, but most violent crimes are committed by men, and all men have a responsibility to do better. 

References

https://www.hopehealreflect.com/mental-health-articles/when-rapists-dont-know-they-are-rapists

O'Sullivan & Ronis (2026)
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/08862605261432630#tab-contributors

https://www.cnn.com/interactive/2026/03/world/expose-rape-assault-online-vis-intl/index.html

Conley & Garza (2011). https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1559-1816.2011.00828.x

Koss M. P., Gidycz C. A., Wisniewski N. (1987). The scope of rape: Incidence and prevalence of sexual aggression and victimization in a national sample of higher education students. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 55(2), 162–170. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.55.2.162


Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT
Sexual Trauma Specialist and Co-Owner at Healing Reflections Therapy

April is Sexual Assault awareness month. We are seemingly inundated with news about sexual violence in the headlines lately. So, let's talk about some resources that many people don't know about for seeking help with domestic or sexual violence. These resources are primarily for Missouri, but there are national resources available as well.

Victim Advocates
Did you you know that you can get an advocate to accompany you to to the hospital or make a police report? You can pre-arrange this with them to ensure you have the safest experience where they can even schedule the meeting with a detective and give you follow-up updates on your case. Places like the YWCA Metro St. Louis and Crime Victims Advocacy Center, and Children's Advocacy Center are great for this kind of work

Safe at Home Program
Sometimes after folks have been in an abusive relationship or have experienced an interpersonal violence episode, they struggle with feeling safe at home. Survivors may worry about their perpetrator having access to them, or stalking them. Did you know that that you can sign up for the Safe at Home Address confidentiality program to keep your address out of public record, to ensure your privacy where you live. You can sign-up here for free ​https://www.sos.mo.gov/business/safeathome

Offender research tools
Another tool people have in Missouri to help keep themselves safe is using Casenet to research individuals name to see if they have criminal or civil cases  of public record in the state. Sometimes knowing  someone's history can be a great tool for personal advocacy and protection, especially when dating.

Case update Tools
If you experienced a crime where your offender has been adjudicated and want to know the release date status of your offender, you can use MOVANS to get automatic updates on them. This is designed to help victims stay notified of their case and when their future safety may potentially be threatened. 

Crime Victims Compensation
Many people don't know this, but if you experienced certain types of crimes and filed a police report and are actively participating with the police in the investigation, you may be eligible for have any expenses incurred by you as a result of the crime, reimbursed to you. This may include medications, medical visits, therapy costs, funeral expenses, and lost wages. There are stipulations involved, but filing a claim is relatively simple, though the re-imbursement process may take some time. If you think you or a family member are eligible, you can seek info here ​https://dps.mo.gov/dir/programs/cvc/crime-victims-compensation.phpdps.mo.gov/dir/programs/cvc/crime-victims-compensation.php

Therapy Support
An extraordinarily valuable tool in the healing process from trauma is getting therapy. Our therapists at Healing Reflections Therapy: Diversity, Trauma, and Wellness Services are experts at understanding the complexity of trauma and treating the resulting wounds. We utilize evidence-based approaches to help clients address their acute traumas from recent events as well as addressing chronic concerns from traumas that occurred decades ago. Reach out to us today, and we can help you find the help you need ​https://www.hopehealreflect.com/contact-us.html . For those not local to St. Louis, you can use Rainn.org to lookup a sexual assault near you.

Group Therapy Support
Another valuable tool is group therapy. I often recommend individual therapy paired with group therapy as a part of the healing journey. It is a wonderful opportunity to share your story with other survivors and see that you are not alone. Places like Safe Connections and YWCA Metro St. Louis are known to offer this for free.  Survivors.org also offers a virtual support group.

Healing Your Body
As many people are now aware due to education on ACES and the popularity of Bessel van der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score," the body is often impacted by trauma and carries a health cumulative impact. Resources like trauma-informed yoga have come about to help this process. This month, Survivors.org is offering free virtual trauma informed yoga workshops as well as art therapy workshops.

Joining the survivor community can be a transformative experience. It can help reframe your relationship with your victimized self, help release you from the bonds of secrecy with your perpetrator, and empower you to find a community of others that understand and empathize with your experience. You don't have to go through this alone. It's never too late. 

For more resources and information, you can check out our trauma resources information page and our sexual trauma resources page.

Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT
Megan is a Co-owner of Healing Reflections Therapy and Sexual Trauma specialist. You can schedule an appointment with her today here.

My favorite activity in session is to create coping skills cards. This can help both during a crisis, when decision making ability is limited, or in the in-between times to stave-off a crisis.

Watch this tutorial

Related to my recent post, Huffington Post just published an article on survivors speaking out on how they were impacted by the election and how it mirrored their trauma experience. Worth a read.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/7-survivors-on-what-it-means-to-have-a-man-accused-of-sexual-assault-in-the-white-house_us_583c7163e4b01ba68ac5732a

Given all the talk about sexual assault and trauma survivors coming forward about past allegations of abuse, the presidential election has shown a spotlight once again onto sexual abuse and the ill treatment of survivors. 

Although there is a benefit to  increasing the national conversation  on  sexual assault towards the goal of improving  treatment for survivors and reducing overall victimization rates,  there is a profound impact on trauma survivors who find their PTSD  symptoms retriggered.  

In the weeks leading up to the election  there was  increased reports of trauma survivors  calling crisis lines like RAINN  and  therapists who treat trauma survivors were reporting  high levels of distress and increased PTSD  symptoms among clients who were previously doing better. Survivors reported experiencing an increase in flashbacks, resurgence in nightmares, recalling aspects of the trauma at unwanted times in intrusive ways, heightened levels of fear, discomfort with leaving the house, and reminders of shame/guilt/and inappropriate self-blame prompted by victim blaming talk in the media.

There was even discussion of how the election was triggering perpetrators as well, resulting in the possibility of people being retraumatized.  

Whether evidence truly supports the connection between the election and victimization rates or symptom rates, it is clear to people on the ground level that the election and post-election  has sent a wave of aftershocks through the sexual trauma world and women in general. Since 43% of women experience sexual abuse or assault at some time in their life according to the Office for Victims of Crime and CDC, then it is imperative that the public be aware of how trauma survivors across the world may be impacted by, sometimes unknowingly by current events.

​Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT