How to Set Boundaries with Family Members

A Sign to Trust Yourself taken by Megan Garza at Burningman of an art exhibit

Many problems in work, school, with roommates, relationships, friendships, and families come down to one issue- Boundaries. Boundaries are the invisible lines that define where you end and another person begins. They protect your physical space, emotional safety, and personal identity. Healthy boundaries allow closeness without losing individuality.

Healthy Boundaries can sound like:
“I am responsible for my own feelings, needs, and actions. Others are responsible for theirs.”

Setting boundaries is an act of self respect, not selfishness. It communicates your worth and protects your peace.

This table below provides an outline of what different forms of boundaries look like and how it can be problematic when boundaries in those areas are crossed.

Setting Boundaries with Family Members

Sometimes when folks are struggling with relationships with their family members they have a difficult time setting boundaries. You cannot control other people, you can only control yourself, but you can request that others be considerate of your feelings.

Here are some important key point to consider when setting boundaries with Family Members:

• Decide when you want to visit
• Decide how much time you want to spend with them
• Decide on the frequency of your calls/messages
• Decide whether you want to stay with them vs stay at a hotel or have them stay at a hotel
• Be clear about your expectations
• Be clear about house rule or expectations with how your kids or pets or others are to be treated, prioritizing peace and protection over control
• Be prepared to leave/end the communication if a boundary you set is crossed.
• Refuse to engage in dialogue over things that cross your emotional boundaries and stick to the boundary you set
• Be mindful of people pleasing and fear of letting others down or losing their love and how that limits you from setting appropriate limits
• Use the broken record technique of repeating the limits you are setting without explaining or apologizing
• Set Consistent Consequences

Remember- A boundary without a follow-through becomes a wish, not a boundary.
Examples:
• If they continue yelling → “I’m going to step away now.”
• If they push for personal details → “I’m not discussing that. Let’s change the subject.”

Consistency teaches people how to treat you.

Focus on What You Can Control
You can’t control:
•Their reactions
•Their opinions
•Whether they change

You can control:
•Your boundaries
•Your emotional energy
•Your responses
•How much access they have to you

If you are struggling with setting boundaries with someone in your life, consider working with a therapist to help you develop your skills. We have multiple therapists at Healing Reflections Therapy available to meet your needs.

Author: Megan Garza, MA, LMFT
Therapist & Co-Owner of Healing Reflections Therapy