Should You Attend Your Gay Child's Wedding?

As a family therapists we often run into clients or family of clients that are struggling with political and religious conflict with their family members from the LGBTQIA+ community, sometimes to the point where rejections, and cut offs are being considered. During the holiday season these conflicts tend to reach a fevered pitch, often being the driving force for many to begin/return to therapy. ​Adding another layer of complication, many individuals tend to get engaged over the holiday season, which prompts a flurry of spring weddings and pre-wedding angst.  When the person getting married is your family member and the wedding is a gay/queer wedding, it may bring up a lot of emotions and turmoil over how to respond depending upon your level of acceptance of the entirety of who they are as a person. If you are someone who is struggling with determining what the best choice is for you, we've come up with some discussion points for the family of Queer loved ones to think about to help you gain clarity and hopefully some peace with your decision.

• How did you come to this decision?
• How do you tend to feel if you hear about someone's parents not attending their wedding?
• What values are you trying to demonstrate by not attending this wedding?
• Have you taken time to grieve the future you envisioned for your child when you believed they were heterosexual?
• Have you considered that, more so than ever, it is possible for a married gay person to have a fulfilling family life?
• What biblical references specifically forbid attending this wedding?
• Are there any biblical references or church teachings that you to do not strictly adhere to?
• Are there any people/figures that you usually look to for wisdom on this subject?
• Do you ever disagree or act in ways differently from these advisors?
• Do you believe witnessing a gay wedding will make you gay?
• Are you uncomfortable being around Queer or Trans people and might not know what to say?
• Is it possible that, on some level, you knew your child was gay from a very young age?
• Will anything bad happen to you if you attend this wedding?
• Will anything bad happen to you if you do not attend this wedding?
• Will anything bad happen to your child if you do not attend their wedding?
• Will any harm come to your child if you attend the wedding?
• Do you believe your refusal to attend will stop the wedding or change your child’s sexuality?
• How will you feel about yourself for making this decision?
• How do you think your decision will impact your child?
• How do you think your decision will impact your child’s partner?
• What might be the long-term impact of your decision?
• How might your relationship be impacted after the wedding?
• Are you prepared to possibly lose your relationship with your child/family member?
• What is more important, your principles and values or your love and support of your child/family member?
• How would you have felt if your parents refused to attend your wedding?
• How do you see your relationship with future grandchildren? What will you tell them when they ask why you didn’t attend their parents’ wedding?
• What do you think are the reasons why your child wants to get married/what they love and value about their fiancé?  
• Is there any way to make up for the hurt an injury like this could cause in a relationship? How?
• If you attend the wedding, could you make things worse by adding more shame/guilt/tension to the event or will you make things better by adding love/support/happiness to the day and create positive memories for years to come on the anniversary when they look back at their wedding photos?
• What biblical teachings would allow for you to attend this wedding?
• What would Jesus do?

After taking time to read these questions, we suggest that you sit with yourself and notice your reactions. Did you notice any changes in your body as your reflected on them? Notice the questions that made you most uncomfortable and be curious and ask yourself why those questions brought on that reaction. Change is often uncomfortable, and we do a lot to resist change and return to homeostasis-where things were before and what we were most acclimated or used to. Sometimes discomfort shows up when we are at our learning edge, the place where we are challenged and struggle between our old beliefs and the introduction of new thoughts, feelings, or experiences that challenge them.

We know sitting with your thoughts can be uncomfortable. One of the hardest things for folks during the pandemic was not having the usual distractions and being forced to sit with their thoughts (which had the unfortunate consequence of increasing substance abuse to re-bury these thoughts). Be kind to yourself. Let go of the judgment. Just notice and curious. If it helps, write down your thoughts to help you gain more clarity.

Authors~Megan Garza, MA, LMFT & Chris Scarberry, MA, LPC